Page:Punch vol 1.djvu/9

 A RAILROAD NOVEL.

Dear ,—I was much amused the other day, on taking my seat in the Birmingham Railway train, to observe a sentimental-looking young gentleman, who was sitting opposite to me, deliberately draw from his travelling-bag three volumes of what appeared to me a new novel of the full regulation size, and with intense interest commence the first volume at the title-page. At the same instant the last bell rang, and away started our train, whizz, bang, like a flash of lightning through a butter-firkin. I endeavoured to catch a glimpse of some familiar places as we passed, but the attempt was altogether useless. Harrow-on-the-Hill, as we shot by it, seemed to be driving pell-mell up to town, followed by Boxmoor, Tring, and Aylesbury—I missed Wolverton and Weedon while taking a pinch of snuff–lost Rugby and Coventry before I had done sneezing, and I had scarcely time to say, “God bless us,” till I found we had reached Birmingham. Whereupon I began to calculate the trifling progress my reading companion could have made in his book during our rapid journey, and to devise plans for the gratification of persons similarly situated as my fellow-traveller.

Why," thought I, •' should literature alone lag in the age of steam ? Is there no way by which a man could be made to swallow Scott or bolt Bulwer, in as short a time as it now takes him to read an auction bill ? ” Suddenly a happy thought struck me : it was to write a novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be retained, rejecting aH ex- pletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and

abrupt in style — ^use monosyllables always in preference to polysyllables

and to eschew- aH heroes and heroines whose names contain more than four letters. Pull of this idea, on my returning home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat, portable volumes ; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train running from London to Birmingham.

I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writ- ing possesses over all others. Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibns- cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may “ read as they run.’* Fiddlers at the theatres, duiin^ the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my invention j for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation,

I shall instantly apply for a patent.

CLARE GREY:

VOL. II.

Death or glory — Red coat — Laurels and rupees in view — ^Vows of constancy, eternal tmth, &c. — ^Tom swells the brine with tears — Clare wipes her eyes in cambric — Alas ! alack ! oh ! ah ! — Fond hearts, doomed to part — Cruel fate I— Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c. — Tom in battle — Cut, slash, dash — Sabres, rifles — Round and grape in showers — Hot work — Charge ! — Whizz — Bang ! — Flat as a Flounder — Never say die — Peace — Sweet sound —Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eye — Half-pay — Home- Huzza ! — Swift gales— Post-horses — Love, hope, and Clav<» Grey—
 * Adieu, my native land,** &c. — ^D. I. O.— “We part to meet again"—

“ 1*D BE 4 BUTTEBFLy/^ &C.

VOL. m.

“ Here we are !"— At home once more— Old friends and old faces— Must be^anged— Nobody knows him— Church bells ringing— Inquire cause— (?) —Weddmg— Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker— Brain whirls —Eyes start from sockets — Devils and hell— Clare Grey, the fond, constant, Clare, a jilt ?— Can t be— No go— Stump up to church— Too true— Clare just made Mrs. Snooks— Madness 1 ! rage ! I ! death ! 1 ! !— Tom's crutch at work— Snooks floored— Bridesman settled— Parson bolts— Clerk mizzles— Salts and shneks— Clare in a swoon— Pa* in a funk— Tragedy speech— Love I vengeance! and damnation !— Half an ounce of laudanum— Quick speech— T^ unshackles his wooden pin— Dies like a hero— Clare pines in secret— Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin— Poor Tom and Clare I they now lie side by side, beneath

A NOVEL.

Brief let me be.”

London : Printed and Published for the Author. 1841.

«, « VOL. 1..

Clare Grey— Sweet girl— Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, & 71* poor— Loved Clare madly— Clare loved To:

ditto Clare s pa rich, old, cross, cruel, &c. — Smelt a rat — D— — d Ton and swore at Clare — ^Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars — ^Love's schem 4 from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, cramme with vows, love, despair, hope— Answer (pencil and curl-paper), alippe

despair, love, vows— Tom serenades- ^ad cold— Rather hoarse — ^White kerchief from garret-window — ** *T Clarden-wall, six feet high— Love is rash— Scale ti T?' » «<»*ise-dog at home— Pins Tom by the calf— Old Hunk’s rouse

rire. thieves ! guns, swords, and rushlights — ^Tom cauzht ^Murde

gaol, justice— Fudge I— Pretty mess— Heigho !- Oh tis love, * &c. — Sweet Clare Grey !— Seven pages of sentiment- Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart — Pshaw ! — ^Never mind—

“a weepino will-oh!*’

I.BSSONS I N PXJN MANTSHIP.

Wb have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers ' MR. T. HOOD,^ Professor op Punmanship,

Begs to acquamt the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-mil- worst hands are improved in six short and

COPY.

of “y punning before taking six lessons of

“ a Why is a tosh-plncked carnation like a certain eold with which cnuctren are anected r

r< mC ® <#(an hooping-cough).

Hood ^ * specimen of my punning after taking size lessons of Mr. T#

“ Q. 'Vijy is the difierence between pardoning and thinking no more of

injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man ?

Because the one is for-‘getti7ig^ and the other /br-pfvingr,**

•11 IT j 'I?® diners-out in particular,

® system of incalculable service, completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be suitable tor all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. 3EIe has also a few second-hand don mots which he can ofier a bargain.

A GOOD LAUGHER tVANTBD.