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December 23, 1914.]

The Civilian.

The Tommy.



was a grand meeting of the literary gents. They had all heard about the War from their publishers, and there had been one or two suggestive allusions in The Author. The question of the moment was "How can we help?" The chairman was the President of the Society of Authors, who knew everybody by sight.

The first to rise was Mr. Author:Harold Begbie, but he failed to catch the Chairman's eye, which had been secured by Mr. Author:H. G. Wells. This well-known strategist rose to point out that what England wanted in the event of an invasion was the man, the gun and the trench. When he said man he meant an adult male of the human species. A gun was a firearm from which bullets were discharged by an explosion of gunpowder. A trench, he averred, amid loud protests from the ex-Manager of the Haymarket Theatre, was a long narrow cut in the earth. He had already pointed out these facts to the War Office, but had received no reply. Apparently Earl required time for the information to soak in. Was it or was it not a national scandal? His new nov (Deleted by Chairman).

After a little coaxing, Mr. Author:Eden Phillpotts was persuaded to rise to his feet. He said deferentially in the first place that he was not a savage. (General cheering, in which might be detected a note of sincere relief.) He lived at Torquay. (Oh, oh.) He He had never been to London before, and was surprised to find it such a large place. (General silence.) He had been a pacifist—(Hear, hear)—but he now thought the was a humbug. He wished it to be known that his attitude was now one of great 'umbleness. The war could go on as far as he was concerned. (Applause.) Although he had given up writing about Dartmoor he had that morning applied for the post of Military Member of the Invasion Committee of the Torquay Division of Devonshire. (Profound sensation.) He didn't know if he should get it, but his friend, Mr. Author:Arnold Bennett, with whome he used once to collab (Deleted by Chairman).

Mr. Author:Harold Begbie then took the floor, but was interrupted by the arrival of the Military Member of the Invasion Committee of the Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex.

Hanging his feathered helmet on the door-peg and thrusting his sword and scabbard into the umbrella-stand, Mr. Author:Arnold Bennett took a seat at the table, afterwards putting out his chest. Mr. was observed to sink into an elaborately assumed apathy. But in his eyes was a bitter envy.

Mr., after clearing his throat, said that he had settled the War. Everybody was to do what they were told and what that was would be told them in due course. He and the War Office had had it out. He had insisted on something being done, and the War Office, which wasn't such a fool as some authors thought (with a meaning look at Mr. ), had been most affable. Everything now was all right. His next book was to be a war nov (Deleted by Chairman).

Mr. Author:Harold Begbie then rose to his feet simultaneously with Mr. Author:William Le Queux.

Mr. Author:William Le Queux said that he owned an autograph portrait of the. It was signed "Yours with the belt, ." The speaker would sell it on behalf of the War Funds and humbly apologised to his brother authors for having knocked about so much in his youth with emperors and persons of that kind. It should not occur again. He pointed out that he had foretold this war, and that his famous book, The Great War of—whenever it was—was to be brought up to date in the form of (Deleted by Chairman).

At this juncture it was brought to the Chairman's notice that Mr. Author:H. G. Wells was missing. An anxious search revealed the fact that the ornamental sword and plumed casque of the Military Member of the Invasion Committee of the Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex had disappeared at the same time, and the meeting broke up in disorder.



"'Sporting rifles have been bought in Paris for pheasant-shooting.'—Daily News."