Page:Punch (Volume 147).pdf/475

November 25, 1914.] 

, in a proclamation to the Turkish troops, says: "The army will destroy all our enemies with the aid of Allah and the assistance of the Prophet." It is rumoured that the is a little bit piqued about it.

We learn from a German paper that, since the brave Ottomans have discovered that their Culture and that of the Germans are one, many Englishmen who live in Crescents are crying out in fury for an alteration of their addresses.

According to a Berlin journal, about 2,000 players of orchestral instruments have been thrown out of employment by the war. It is suggested that, with a view to providing them more employment, reverses as well as victories should be musically celebrated in the capital.

We are glad to see that the names of battles in Belgium show a tendency to become more cheery. The other day, for instance, we had the battle of the Yperlee—and we muay yet have a battle of Yip-i-yaddy-i-yay.

It is rumoured that a compromise has been arrived at in regard to the proposal, emanating from America, that the war shall be stopped for twenty-four hours on Christmas Day. The combatants, it is said, have agreed to fire plum-puddings instead of cannon-balls.

Among the promotions which we do not remember seeing gazetted is that of, a German barber-spy. At the Old Bailey, the other day, Mr. Justice promoted him to be a Steinhauer or stone-hacker.

"''MIRACLE' PRODUCER KILLED.' Daily Chronicle."

This is unfortunate for the Germans, for if ever they needed a miracle it is now.

"Information that has come into our possession," says The Grocer, "proves to our satisfaction that Germany has been receiving plentiful supplies of tea from our shores through neutral countries since the outbreak of hostilities." The italics are ours: the satisfaction appears to be our contemporary's.

A cynic sends us a tip for the recruiting department of our army. "Why go for the single man?" he asks. "We may expect just as much courage from the married man. He has already proved his pluck."

"Observer."

The Germans, who have already been calling the Allied forces "The Menagerie," should appreciate this item.

Angry newspaper men are now calling a certain institution the Suppress Bureau.

A solicitor having announced that he is prepared to make the wills of the men of a certain regiment free of charge, another enterprising legal gentleman, not be be outdone, would like it to known that he is willing to act as residuary legatee without a fee.

In his interesting sketch, in The Times, of the career at the University the  of Magdalen mentions that His Royal Highness "shot at various country houses round Oxford." We hope that this will not be quoted against the by a spiteful German Press, should any bullet marks be found one day on the walls of some castle on the Rhine.

It came as quite an unpleasant surprise to many persons to learn from Mr. that the War is costing us a million pounds a day, that being more than some of us spend in a year.



Customer.

Waitress (absent-mindedly).

"'Members of several guilds carried their banners in the procession which went round the church to the accompaniment of impressive music and the swinging of censors.' South Western Star."

If this had got about, there would have been a bigger crowd the ceremony. As it was, Fleet Street was taken by surprise, and only had time to prepare a few fireworks for the evening.

"'Among other public buildings in a certain town which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning... on a day and date which I need not trouble to repeat...'"

No, this is not from our Special Representative behind the Front; it is the opening passage of Oliver Twist, and shows what a splendid War Correspondent would have made.

"'The clay feet of Germany will be revealed when we take off the gloves.'—Mr. in 'The Sunday Chronicle.'"

So that's where they wear them.

"'Questioned with reference to a letter written by him to Steinhauer, in which he said, 'The name of the gentleman in Woolwich Arsenal is, the prisoner said that was a false name.' Times."

It's a very silly name anyway.

"Aberdeen Evening Gazette."

We insist on providing one of them.

"'Now came the drums and fifes, and now the blare of the brass instruments, and continuously the singing of the soldiers of 'Die Wacht am goose step, while the good lieges of the Brus-Rhein.''—Adelaide Advertiser."

A good song, but (so it has always struck us) a clumsy title.

Extract from Army Routine Orders, Expeditionary Force, Nov. 9th:—

"'It is notified for information that shooting in the Forest of Clairmarais and certain portions of the adjacent country is preserved.'"

Clever Germans are now disguising themselves as pheasants.