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September 23, 1914.]

Belated Citizen (who has been lamenting the loss of his latch-key all the way home).



We understand from our Special War Correspondent, who is counting the butter at Copenhagen, that great activity is manifesting itself among the officers and men of the German Slack-Water Fleet. This is owing to the fact that they are learning a new German National Anthem which has just been introduced into the Fleet, set to an old English tune. A rough translation of the chorus goes as follows:—

"Rule, Germania, Germania ever shall Ru-u-u-u-u-u-ule the Kiel Canal."

The order enforcing this new song is signed ", Grand Admiral of the Canal."

The announcement that an indemnity of 100,000 cigars had been levied on Ghent created some little surprise. It is a fact, however, that before the campaign began a list of suitable indemnities for all the towns and villages through which which the Germans hoped to had been drawn by the ever-ready General Staff. A list of such war levies for various places in England has accidentally come into our possession, a dispatch-case containing this and important documents having been dropped by a carrier-pigeon as it was flying over Bouverie Street on its way back to Berlin. We give a few examples, so that our readers may know what to expect:


 * London.—£100,000,000, the Albert Memorial and three-dozen special constables.


 * Beaconsfield.—Mr. G. K. (suppressed by Censor).


 * Tonbridge.—100,000 cricket bats with splices, 10,000 pairs of leg-guards, and 1,000 wicket-keeping gauntlets.


 * Greenwich.—200,000,000 bunches of whitebait, 200,000 lemons, and 750,000 slices of brown bread and butter.


 * Steeple Bumpstead.—£5,000,000 and a mangold-wurzel. [Three weeks will be given the inhabitants in which to collect the money, but the wurzel must be handed over at once.]

By the way, the plan for this invasion of England is a remarkably subtle one. The invading army will be under the command of the, who, according to the latest reports, is now fighting simultaneously on the eastern and western frontiers of Germany, and has volunteered for spare-time work. Waiting for the psychological moment when the British Fleet is looking the other way, the Grand High Canal Fleet will slip out with barges in tow, containing six army corps and His Royal Lowness. And, as said to the present writer's—the present  grandfather, "Victory will be ours, Sire."

Success continues to attend the Austrian arms, both in the East and in the South. It is announced on reliable authority that more than 200,000 Austrians have forced their way into Russia, and are now guarding the more important Russian prisons from within. In the South the chastisement of Servia, undertaking solely for Servia's own good, has triumphantly achieved its object.

The Japanese army corps, which passed through Llanfairfechan, Inverness and Bushey last Saturday, on its way to outflank the German left wing at Metz, has arrived safely at Scutari, and is now marching on Vienna. [The Press Bureau has no notion whether this is true or not, and cannot think of any way of finding out. But is consents to its publication in the hope that it will frighten the .]

We learn that the Russians have won a pronounced victory (but not by us) at Przemysl.



"'List! list! oh list.'—Hamlet, Act I., Scene 4."