Page:Punch (Volume 147).pdf/185

August 26, 1914.]

London Hawker (addressing obvious Teuton).




 * beneath grey Northern skies

Some grey hulls heavo and fall,
 * The merchants sell their merchandise
 * All just as usual;

Our cargoes sail for man's content
 * The same as yesterday,

And war-risk 's down to 2 per cent.,
 * The underwriters say.

The clerks they sit with page and pen
 * And fill the desks a row,

Because outside of Cuxhaven
 * There's them to make it so:

We go to lunch, as natural,
 * From one o'clock till two,

Because outside of Kiel Canal
 * There's those that let us do.

We check and add our pass-books up
 * Or keep our weekly Boards

Unhampered by the works of
 * And all the swords;

At five o'clock we have our tea
 * And catch our usual bus—

So thank the for those at sea
 * Who guard the likes of us.

 

The C.C.C.C. has been formed to provide for the wants of unpatriotic or panic-stricken persons in all parts of the country.

—Ensure your hors d'œuvres by allowing us to turn your bath into a sardine tank. Your basement too should make an excellent quite oyster bed. We would flood it for you.

—The mock turtles we supply are quite tame, and while waiting to be made into soup should keep your children amused. We also deliver Salted Oxtail by the furlong. Send for patterns.

—Try one of our Frozen Whales and I assure your fish course for the next six months.

—Sheep-folds (with sheep) supplied at shortest notice to fit your tennis court, or you might order one of our Handy Styes, which have accommodation for half-a-dozen pigs (congenial company) and are suitable for erection in a corner of any flat or private residence.

—Our "one ton" plum puddings placed in position on your premises by our own cranes.

"A Grateful Customer writes.:—'Your transformation of my boudoir into a hen-pen is quite admirable, and enables us to face the future with complete calm. As your circular reminds us, one feels more comfortable about one's country when one is safe oneself.'

Another writes:—'Many thanks for prompt attention. The night-nursery makes an excellent cow-house, and the two cows used the passenger-lift with perfect success."

So long as the order is large enough we will execute it. No orders for less value than £50 accepted.

Our Hoarding Department has prepared a neat stocking capable of holding 750 sovereigns. Please ask to see one.

All goods are delivered in our own heavily armoured pantechnicons.

A charming miniature White Feather, suitable for personal adornment, will be presented to all customers.

Take no notice whatever of any warnings in the newspapers not to buy largely. Think of yourselves. It is only you who matter. Buy now; buy quantities.

 From the regulations governing special constables:—

"'A special constable guilty of misconduct may be suspended from duty, and, if so suspended, shall forthwith give up his warrant card, truncheon, armlet, and whistle to the police office suspending him.'"

What tune must he whistle to him?

"'Admiral Jellicoe has a reputation for thoroughness in the naval service, but a story which shows his kindly nature was told to me to-day (says 'F.' in the 'Citizen'). A defence boom was being constructed at Sheerness, and the admiral was dissatisfied with it. He told the officer in command of some defects, and said it was not so good as the boom at Portsmouth.'"

We feel sure there must be even better stories about him than this.