Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/373

Rh permitted me to have intercourse with a woman, which, up to that time, in spite of repeated efforts, I had been unable to do successfully.

“Since my æsthetic needs were unsatisfied by intercourse with prostitutes, I thought to find my real salvation in matrimony. The earlier friendly inclination toward a lady known in my youth offered me the opportunity, the more because I believed that she, of all others, would be in a position to awaken feelings for the opposite sex which were absolutely foreign to me. Her character,—i.e., our harmony,—is in such accord with my inclinations that I am fully convinced that I shall also find complete psychical satisfaction. This conviction has not changed during the eight months of my engagement.

“I intend to be married in about four weeks.

“As far as my position with respect of my own sex is concerned, my power of resistance—and this is the lasting positive result of this treatment—is absolutely changed in degree. While previously it was impossible for me to overcome an intense sexual excitation when I saw a finely formed car-driver, to-day, in the company of my former lovers, I am without sexual excitement. At the same time, I must add that now, as formerly, their society has a certain attraction for me, though it is not to be compared with my earlier passion.

“On the other hand, I have refused repeated persuasions to indulge in sexual intercourse with men, without expending much force in resistance,—persuasions which formerly I should have been unable to resist. I may say, indeed, that it is a feeling of compassion for my former lovers, that have proved their passionate devotion to me, which keeps me from directly repulsing them. My action seems to be due to a feeling of duty, rather than to inner need.

“Since the conclusion of treatment, I have not consorted with prostitutes. This circumstance, and the numerous letters and persuasions from my former lover, may well be the reason why, in the eight months that have elapsed, I have allowed him to persuade me to sexual intercourse on three or four occasions. At these times I have always been conscious of being completely master of myself, as compared with my earlier passionate condition in like situations, as the violent reproaches of my friend convinced me. I always feel a certain unconquerable repugnance, which cannot be based on moral grounds, but which, I believe, must be attributed to the treatment. I no longer feel a love for him in the former sense. Besides, since the treatment, I have sought no opportunities for sexual intercourse with men, and I feel no need of it. But, formerly, not a day passed on which I did not feel impelled to it, so that at times I was unable to think of anything else. Awake or dreaming, ideas of sexual content are very infrequent.

“I may express the belief that my marriage, that is to take place in a few weeks, and the much desired change of place that is bound to it, will entirely remove the residuum of my earlier condition. I conclude