Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/371

Rh give up the opportunities offered me. Nevertheless, I should be willing to undergo any cure to be freed from my abnormal condition.

“I recognize my feminine feeling, among other things, in the fact that any sensual idea in connection with a woman must be forced, and seems unnatural to me. Iam also sure that my respect for a woman—I move much in the society of ladies, and enjoy it—would change immediately to repugnance, were I to notice any sensual inclination in her toward me. In my dreams and sensual fancies of men, I always think of myself in such positions with them that their faces are always toward mine. My greatest delight would be to have a powerful man, undressed, take me in his arms with a force I could not resist. In such situations I always think of myself in a passive rôle, and have to force my feelings, in order to think of myself in any other position. In this, I am truly feminine. Great as my desire may be to approach certain persons, my struggle is as great not to allow this to be noticed. Moustaches, abundance of hair, and even dirt, seem to be especially enticing. It is hardly necessary to say that, to me, my condition, with reference to society, is absolutely desperate; and, if I had not the hope of finding a being that would understand me, life would be scarcely endurable. I feel that sexual commerce with a man is the only means of successfully combating my impulse to onanism. Though this has a very bad effect on me, I cannot keep myself from it constantly, because, as I have often found, I will be even more weakened by pollutions at night and persistent erections during the day.

“Up to this time I have truly loved but two men. Both were officers, remarkably endowed mentally, handsomely and gracefully formed, and of dark skin and eyes. I became acquainted with the first at the University. I was madly in love with him, and suffered unspeakably on account of his indifference. I spent nights under his window, simply to be near him. When he was officially transferred, I was in despair.

“Soon after, I became acquainted with an officer that resembled him, who likewise enchained me at first sight. I sought every opportunity to meet him, spent the day in the streets, and at places where I hoped to get a sight of him. I knew how the blood came into my face when, unsuspected, I saw him. When I saw him friendly with others, I could scarcely contain myself for jealousy. When I sat near him, I was impelled to touch him. I could scarcely conceal my excitement when I touched his knee or thigh. I never ventured, however, to express my feelings to him; for, from his conduct, I was convinced that he would not understand them or share them.

“I am twenty-seven years old, of medium height, and well-developed, and would be considered handsome. My chest is somewhat narrow, hands and feet small, and voice weak. Mentally, I think I am well endowed; for I passed the State examination with distinction, speak several languages, and am a good painter.