Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/370

352 “Erection ceased immediately, as soon as I was in a room alone with a woman. At first I considered it impotence, though, at the same time, I was so excited sexually that I had to masturbate several times during the day in order to sleep.

“Quite different, however, has been the development of my feelings toward the masculine sex, and it has grown stronger every year. At first they expressed themselves in extraordinary, enthusiastic friendship for certain persons, under whose windows at night I would wait for hours; whom in all possible ways I would try to meet on the streets, and with whom I sought to come in contact. I wrote such persons the most passionate letters, in which, however, I was shy in expressing my feelings too plainly. Later, after my twentieth year, I came to understand the essential nature of my inclinations, particularly from the sensual pleasure I experienced as soon as I came in direct contact with any of these friends. These persons were all finely built men, with dark hair and eyes. I have never had my feelings excited by boys. Real pederasty is absolutely incomprehensible to me. About this time (twenty-second to twenty-third year) the circle of my beloved friends grew more and more extensive. Now I can scarcely see a handsome man on the street without having the wish to possess him excited in me. The fact is, I especially love persons of the lower classes, whose powerful forms attract me,—soldiers, policemen, car-drivers, etc.,—i.e., all that wear uniforms. If one of these returns my look, I feel a kind of thrill go through my whole body. I am especially excitable in the evening, and merely the heavy tread of a soldier is alone sufficient to induce the most powerful erections. I take a very peculiar pleasure in following such persons and looking at them. As soon as I learn that they are married, or that they consort with girls, my excitement very frequently ceases.

“A few months ago I became able to control my inclinations to such an extent that they were not directly noticeable. About this time I followed a soldier who seemed likely to acquiesce in my desire, and spoke to him. For money he was ready for anything. At once I was filled with a most violent longing to embrace and kiss him, and the danger of being noticed did not deter me from doing it. He had scarcely grasped my genitals when ejaculation followed. With this meeting, I had finally attained the long-desired goal of my life. I knew that my whole nature would find its happiness and satisfaction in it, and from this time I gave myself up entirely to the effort to find a person whom I could love, and from whom I should never part. For my acts I do not experience the slightest twinge of conscience.

“To be sure, in quiet moments, I very well appreciate the difference between my way of thinking and the way of the world; as a lawyer, too, I naturally recognize the dangers of a relation of the kind I desire; but, as long as my entire nature does not change, I shall not be able to