Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/313

Rh of an urning,—i.e., of an individual who, in spite of his masculine form, feels as a woman, whose senses women do not excite, and whose sexual desires are constantly directed toward men.

“Convinced that the enigma of our existence can be solved, or, at least, illuminated, only by the unprejudiced thought of scientific men, I describe my life only with the aim of perhaps clearing up this cruel error of Nature, and possibly doing a kindness to people like me to come in later generations; for there will be urnings as long as men are born, just as it is a fact that they have existed in every age. With the progress of science in our epoch, men will see in me and those like me not objects of hatred, but objects of pity, which deserve not the odium, but the compassion, of their more fortunate brothers. I shall be as brief as possible in my communication, and also objective; and, with reference to my caustic, often cynical, style, I may note that, above all, I shall be honest, and, therefore, not avoid strong expressions; for they are most happily suited to the subject in hand.

“I am in my thirty-fifth year; a merchant, with a fair income; somewhat above average height, slim, weak of muscle, with full beard, and quite ordinary face, and, at first sight, in nowise different from ordinary men. On the other hand, my gait is feminine, and particularly mincing in fast walking; the movements are awkward and displeasing, indicative of a want of manly feeling. The voice is neither feminine nor shrill, but rather a baritone.

“This is my external appearance.

“I do not smoke or drink, and can neither whistle, ride, do gymnastic feats, fence, nor shoot. I have absolutely no interest in horses or dogs, and have never had a gun or sword in my hand. In inner feeling and sexual desire, I am completely a woman. Without thorough education—I passed through but few classes in the Gymnasium,—I am yet intelligent, like to read well-written, improving books, and have good judgment; but I allow myself to be carried away by the feelings of the moment, and I am easily influenced by any one who knows my weakness and how to make use of it. Constantly making resolves, I have never the energy to carry them out; like a woman, I am moody and nervous, often irritated without reason, and sometimes mean. Toward persons that do not please me, I am arrogant, unjust, and often shamefully insulting.

“In all my conduct I am superficial, and often frivolous, and I have no deep moral feeling. I have little consideration for parents and brothers and sisters. I am not egotistic, but, on occasion, self-sacrificing. I cannot withstand tears, and can—like a woman—be won by amiability and entreaty.

“In my earliest years I avoided playing soldier, gymnastics, or the rough games of my manly comrades, and ran about with little girls, with whom I was much more in sympathy than with boys. I was retiring,