Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/309

Rh I gradually began to notice that I was not constituted exactly like my comrades; for I found no pleasure in masculine pursuits. I had but little liking for smoking, drinking, and card-playing, and I was frightened to death by a brothel. I have never been in one; I was always able to avoid visiting one on some pretext or other. But I now began to think about myself; I often felt terribly lonesome, miserable, and unhappy, and longed for a friend constituted like myself, without, however, ever thinking that there could be other men like me. At twenty-two I made the acquaintance of a young man who finally explained to me contrary sexual instinct and the individuals affected with it. He, being also an urning, was in love with me. It was as if scales had fallen from my eyes; and I bless the day this explanation came to me. From that time I saw the world with different eyes; I saw that many others were given the same fate; and I began to learn to content myself with this lot as well as I could. Unfortunately, I did not succeed very well, and I am still often seized with bitterness and a deep hatred of the modern ideas which treat us poor urnings with such terrible harshness. For what is our fate? In most cases we are not understood, and are derided and despised; and even when all goes well, and we are understood, we are still pitied like invalids or the insane,—and pity was always sickening to me. I now began to play a part, in order to deceive my fellow-men as to my state of mind; and it always gave me great satisfaction to succeed in this. I made the acquaintance of several men like myself, with whom I established relations, which, however, never lasted long; for I was very fearful and cautious; but, at the same time, I was very particular and easily wearied.

“I have always absolutely despised pederasty as something unworthy a man, and I only wish that all those like me would do the same; but, unfortunately, with many this is not the case. If all like me thought as I do, then the contempt and scoffing of men that feel differently would be a still greater injustice to us than it now is.

“Toward the man I love I feel completely like a woman, and, therefore, in the sexual act I am quite passive. In general, my whole sensibility and feeling are feminine. I am vain, coquettish, fond of ornament, and like to please others. I love to dress myself beautifully, and, in cases where I wish to please, I even make use of the arts of the toilet, in which I am quite skilled.

“While I have but little interest in politics, I am passionately fond of music and an inspired follower of Richard Wagner. I have noticed this preference in the majority of us; I find that this music is perfectly in accord with our nature.

“I play the violin quite well; I like reading, and read much, but I have little interest in anything else. Everything else in life is quite indifferent to me, owing to the deep resignation that more and more takes possession of me.