Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/308

290 extent the misunderstanding and errors concerning ‘contrary sexual instinct’ which are still so widely prevalent.

“I am thirty-seven years old, and come of healthy parents, both of whom were very nervous. I only mention this, because I have often had the thought that my contrary sexual instinct came by way of inheritance; but this is nothing more than vague. Of my grandparents, whom I did not know, the only remarkable thing I can mention is, that my maternal grandfather was known as a great Don Juan.

“I was rather a weak child, and during my first two years suffered severely with fits, as a result of which my understanding and memory may have suffered; for I learn but slowly things which do not particularly interest me, and easily forget them. I may also mention that, during the time before I was born, my mother was subject to violent mental excitement, and was often frightened. From my third year I have been perfectly well, and have escaped severe illness. Only when a boy, from the age of twelve to sixteen, I had peculiar, indescribable nervous sensations, which made themselves felt in my head and finger-tips, and in which it seemed to me as if my whole being were about to cease. For many years, however, these attacks have ceased to occur. I am rather a powerful man, with abundant growth of hair, and in all respects masculine.

“Even when a boy of six years, I came independently to masturbate, and, until my nineteenth year, I practiced the vice quite persistently; and even now, faute de mieux, I quite frequently resort to it, notwithstanding the fact that I understand the vileness of the passion, and always feel somewhat weakened after it. But sexual intercourse with a man does not affect me in the least; on the contrary, it gives me a feeling of being strengthened. I began school at the age of seven, and soon experienced an intense feeling of sympathy for my companions, which, however, made no other impression on me. In the Gymnasium, at the age of fourteen, my companions explained to me the sexual life of man, which, up to that time, was absolutely unknown to me; but I was not much interested in the matter. At this time I also practiced mutual onanism with two or three friends who had seduced me into it; and it had an extraordinary charm for me. I was still perfectly unconscious of the perversity of my sexual instinct, and considered my vices as sins of youth, like those committed by all boys of the same age. Interest in the female sex I thought would come in time. Thus I became nineteen years old. During the following years I fell insanely in love three times,—once with a very handsome actor, then with a bank employé, and with one of my friends, the last two being men who were nothing less than beautiful, and calculated to excite sensual feeling. But this love was merely platonic, and occasionally found expression in glowing poetry. It was, perhaps, the most perfect period of my life; for I regarded everything with pure, innocent eyes. In my twenty-first year