Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/307

Rh attempt of a change of life with a bleeding heart; for thus I absolutely abandon the hope that is always awake; namely, the delusion that fate may yet bring me the desired happiness.

“This delusion is so deeply rooted in me that I think nothing but hypnotic suggestion could help me. If you could advise me, you would make me unspeakably happy. Of course, your strictest injunction would be to abandon onanism. How gladly I would follow it! But if I were not to have direct physical, some mechanical, means at hand to help me, I should certainly be unable to free myself from this vice; and this the more, because I fear that, by long years of habit, my nature has become accustomed to it. Of course, I have not escaped the effects of it, even though they are not so terrible as they are often pictured. I suffer with mild nervousness, am, indeed, weakened, and have periodical disturbance of digestion; but I can still endure hard work, and take a certain pleasure in it, when it is not too great. I am depressed, but I can be happy, and, fortunately, I take pleasure in my calling, and am interested in various things, particularly music, art, and belles-lettres. I have never indulged in female pursuits.

“As may be seen from the foregoing, I like to associate with men, especially with those who are handsome; but I have never had intimate relations with them. A wide gulf separates me from them!

“Postscript: I feared that in the foregoing I had not described my sexual life with sufficient exactness. It consists only in onanism; but in it I abandon myself to almost all the repugnant acts that are comprehended under coitus inter femora, ejaculatio in ore, etc.

“My rôle is passive. When I am seized by a passion, the ideas change, and become entirely a desire to be impregnated. The struggle against such a passion is so terrible, because my mind is also implicated. I long for the closest, the most complete union that can be conceived as existing between two men,—always together, common interests, unlimited confidence, sexual union. I think that natural love is different from this only in its degree of warmth; it does not reach the boiling-point of our passion. Just now I am fighting the battle over again; with force I stifle the insane passion that has so long enthralled me. All night long I walk about, followed by the image of him I love; for love of whom I would give up all I possess. How sad it is that the noblest feeling given to man—friendship—is sullied by common sensual feeling!

“I wish once more to state that I cannot come to the determination to transform my sexual life by means of sexual intercourse with the opposite sex. The thought of such intercourse fills me with repugnance and disgust.”

Case 122. “I write, as well as I can, the history of my suffering, actuated only by the desire, by this autobiography, to clear up to some