Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/303

Rh Examination with reference to contrary sexual instinct gives a positive result:—

The patient states that even when a little girl she preferred to play with boys, and particularly “soldier,” “merchant,” and “robber.” She was very wild and unrestrained in these games with boys, but never had any proclivity for dolls or female employment, of which she learned only the most ordinary things (knitting, sewing).

In school she made good progress, being especially interested in mathematics and chemistry. She early had a desire for sculpture, and showed talent for it. Her greatest ambition was to become a real artist. In her dreams of the future, she never thought of marriage. As an artist, she was interested in handsome men, but she was really attracted only by female forms; she saw male forms only “in the distance.” She could never endure “trumpery”; “manly dress” was all that pleased her. The ordinary society of girls was repugnant to her, because their talk about toilettes, ornaments, and love-affairs with men, seemed stale and tiresome to her. On the other hand, since her childhood she had had enthusiastic friendships with certain girls; at the age of ten she was in love with a girl companion, and wrote her name everywhere. Since then she had had numerous female friends, with whom she had indulged in passionate kissing. She pleased the girls, as a rule, because of her masculine bearing. She wrote poems to her female friends, and could have done anything out of love for them. To her it was very remarkable that she was embarrassed before girls, especially when they were friends. She could not undress before them. The more she loved a friend, the more modest she was before her.

At the present time she has such a relation. She kisses and embraces her Laura, walks by her window, and suffers all the pangs of jealousy, particularly when she sees her conversing with men. Her only wish is to live always with this female friend.

The patient states, however, that twice in her life men have made an impression on her. She thinks that if she had been really sought, there would have been a marriage; for she is very fond of family life and children. If a man wished to possess her, it would be necessary for him to win her; she herself would prefer to win a female friend. She thinks woman is more beautiful and ideal than man. In her infrequent erotic dreams, the subject had always been a female. She had never dreamed of men. She does not think that she could now love a man; for men are false, and she herself is nervous and anæmic.

She considers herself a woman in all respects, but regrets that she is not a man. Even at the age of four it had been her greatest pleasure to put on boys’ clothes. She certainly had a masculine character, and, too, had never wept. Her greatest passion was for riding, gymnastics, fencing, and driving. She suffered much because no one about her understood her. It seemed silly to her to talk about feminine things.