Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/302

284 months ago, when the story was running through the newspapers of an Hungarian countess who, dressed as a man, had married, and felt like a man, in all earnestness, I thought of offering myself to her, in order to contract an inverted marriage,—she as husband, I as wife. … I have never attempted coitus, and have never felt any desire for it. But since I foresaw that the erection necessary with a woman would be wanting, I thought of putting on some of her clothing; and I think that then the expected result would occur.

“As for my behavior toward male persons, first of all, it is to be emphasized that I had the warmest friendships during my school-days. My heart was full of happiness, if I could do some small service for the object of my devotion. I really worshiped him passionately. But, on the slightest occasion, I evinced terrible jealousy; and while my anger lasted I felt as if I could neither live nor die. When reconciliation occurred, for a short time I was the happiest of creatures. I also tried to make friends of boys, whom I bribed with sweetmeats, and whom I should gladly have kissed. Though my love always remained platonic, yet it is abnormal. An expression that I unconsciously made at that time about an elder friend, whom I worshiped, shows that. I said I loved him so that I should have liked to marry him. And even now, when I indulge but little in intercourse, I am easily taken with a handsome man with a fine beard and refined features. Yet I have never met a being feeling like myself, whom I could confide in, and with whom I could live as a female friend. I never attempted to exercise my inclinations directly, and never committed any foolish act of this kind. Finally I ceased to visit museums where nude male figures were displayed; for the erections, which were sure to occur, were exceedingly annoying. I had often secretly wished to sleep with a man, and often found opportunity. I was asked by a rather unattractive elderly man to sleep with him. Cum eo concubui, ille genitalia mea tetigit; and though his person was unattractive to me, I was filled with an intense feeling of lust. I felt as if completely surrendered to him; in a word, I felt like a woman.

“If I may be permitted to add a concluding word to what I have already said, I wish to state expresselyexpressly [sic] that, though I am conscious of the abnormality of my inclinations, I have no desire to change them; I long only for a time when, more easily and with less danger of discovery, I can give rein to my desires and experience a delight that will harm no one.”

Case 120. Miss Z., aged 31, artist, comes for consultation on account of neurasthenic symptoms. She is remarkable for coarse, masculine features, a deep voice, short hair, a masculine style of dress, masculine gait, and self-consciousness. In other respects she is feminine, with well-developed mammæ and a female pelvis, and without any indication of beard.