Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/301

Rh gradual pressure, but pain soon caused me to desist. My longing is still for the external characteristics of the female sex,—for a pretty coiffure, a rounded breast, a slim waist.

“At the age of twelve I first had an opportunity to put on female attire; and I soon came to drape myself, by means of bed-clothes, bed-linen, etc., with female petticoats. When I grew older, it was my greatest delight to put on my sister’s dresses secretly, even if it could be but for a few moments, and with constant danger of detection. Later, much to my delight, I had an opportunity to play a female rôle in a love-scene; and it is said that I was not at all bad in the part. When I began to lead an independent life as a student, I immediately obtained female dresses and linen, which I kept in order myself. When at night, safe from discovery, I can put on one article after another, from corset to apron and bracelet, I am perfectly satisfied, and devote myself to some quiet employment, inwardly happy and full of delight in doing it. While dressing, an erection usually occurs, but it is never followed by an ejaculation, and soon disappears. I also try to approximate the female appearance in externals, by arranging my hair appropriately and removing the beard, which I should have preferred to tear out.

“5. Sexual inclinations: In passing to the description of my sexual proclivities, I desire, first, to note, in general, that puberty occurred normally, as I judge from the pollutions that occurred, the change of voice, etc. Pollutions still occur regularly once every three weeks, seldom more frequently. With them I never experience any lustful feeling. I have never practiced onanism; until lately I knew nothing more of it than its name, and I had to seek direct information about it, in order to understand it. Any touch on the erect penis is disturbing and painful to me, and without lustful feeling.

“Previously I behaved very shyly toward women, but I now act quietly, and associate with them as with my kind. Direct excitation, in a sexual sense, by a woman, sometimes occurred; but when I try to analyze this, it seems to me that it was never her person, but rather her attire alone, that was effectual. I fell in love with her dress, and the thought of wearing one like it was heavenly. Thus sexual excitation never took place, not even in brothels where I was led by friends, in spite of the sight of the greatest voluptuousness and beauty. But friendly feelings for the female sex were in my heart. I imagined how, dressed as a woman and unrecognized, I could stay with them, associate with them, and take pleasure with them. I prefer the impression made on me by girls whose breasts have not yet fully developed, particularly those wearing the hair short; for such girls are more nearly like me and my aspect. Once I was so fortunate as to find a girl who felt unhappy in her sex. We formed a firm bond of friendship with one another, and we often took delight in the idea of exchanging places. Perhaps it is not inappropriate or unimportant for the characterization, to record the following: Some