Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/300

282 “I think that there are not many marks of hereditary taint in me. There is a certain hyper-sensitiveness. A very intense dream-life is perhaps important. In general, it is occupied with indifferent matters, and never has so-called sensual images as a subject; at most, in this direction, it is concerned only with female attire and putting it on, which for me is a lustful thought. At the same time, until my sixteenth year, it often went to the extent of somnambulism, or, very frequently, as is still often the case, to loud talking in sleep.

“3. My inclinations: The above-mentioned abnormal proclivity is the fundamental factor in my sexual feeling. When I am dressed like a woman, I feel perfectly satisfied. A peculiar feeling of peace and comfort comes over me, which allows me to work mentally with greater ease. My libido for indulgence in sexual intercourse is extremely slight. Too, I have much love and taste for female handiwork, and, without assistance, I learned to crochet and embroider, and I like to do these things in secret. I also like other female employments, like sewing, etc.; so that at home, where I keep my proclivity perfectly concealed, and guard against indulging it by involuntary activity, I have often won the praise of being as good as a servant-girl; which did not make me ashamed, but, on the contrary, filled me with secret pride. I can make nothing out of dancing with women; I liked to dance only with my school-fellows, for which the manner of our instruction in dancing gave opportunity. But in this it gave me pleasure only when I could dance as a lady. A multitude of other desires and dreams, which seem to have something typical about them, I pass over, because they seem exactly similar to those described in ‘Psychopathia Sexualis.’ …. In other respects my inclinations are not different from those of my sex. I smoke and drink moderately, love delicacies, and have no pleasure in physical exercises.

“4. Development: After this brief description of my personality, I may pass on to an analysis of the developmental history of my abnormality. As soon as I was able, to some extent, to think independently, and I understood the difference between the sexes, it was my secret and fixed desire to be a girl. In fact, I believed I was one. But when in the bath I saw the same genitals on other boys, the impossibility of my thought became apparent. I reduced my wish, and hoped that I was at least an hermaphrodite. And, owing to the fact that I had a certain shyness about looking closely at pictures or descriptions of the genitals, this hope was entertained, notwithstanding the fact that I had abundant opportunity to read writings on the subject, until my studies compelled me to make a closer acquaintance with the matter. During this time I read everything I could get about hermaphroditism, and longed to be in the place of the female who, as the newspapers often reported, had been raised as a male and been restored to her sex by accident. The recognition of my masculinity made an end of this dreaming, and did not fill me with any especial delight. I tried to destroy my sexual glands by