Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/278

260 mentally, possessing a powerful sexual desire that had been manifested abnormally early, had indulged in urnings’ love since his sixth year. Once a month he visited the Capital. I had to sleep with him. He was insatiable in mutual onanism, and made me take part in active and passive pederasty, which was an unpleasant part of the bargain for me.”

“B., a merchant, aged 36, of masculine appearance, was as passionate as I was. He knew how to make his manipulations on me such a stimulus that I had to serve him passively in pederasty. He was the only one with whom I ever had any pleasure in passive pederasty. He confessed to me that when he but knew that I was near, he had the most painful erections; and that when I could not serve him, he was compelled to satisfy himself by masturbation.

“While pursuing these love-affairs, I was clinical assistant in hospital, and was considered ambitious and skillful in my work. I naturally sought throughout literature for an explanation of my sexual peculiarity. I found it in part as a crime deserving punishment, while for myself I could only recognize in it the natural satisfaction of my sexual desire. I was aware that this was congenital with me. But feeling myself in opposition to the whole world, often near insanity and suicide, I again sought to satisfy my powerful sexual desire with women. The result was always the same,—either want of sufficient erection, or, when it became possible, to force myself to the act, disgust and horror of its repetition. As a military surgeon, I suffered terribly from the sight and touch of thousands of naked male forms. Fortunately, I formed a love-bond with a lieutenant affected similarly, and passed again a time of happiness. For love of him I consented to pederasty, for which he longed. We loved each other until he lost his life at Sedan. From that time I never gave myself to active or passive pederasty, although I had many love-affairs, and was a person much sought.

“At twenty-three I went to the country as a physician, and was sought and esteemed. I satisfied myself with boys over fourteen. I interested myself in political affairs, and made an enemy of the clergyman, and, being betrayed by one of my lovers, was denounced and compelled to flee. The legal investigation, fortunately, did me no harm. I was able to return, but I was greatly shaken; and I went to the war (1870) as a soldier, in the hope of meeting my death. I returned, however, with many distinctions, much matured; and I found still more pleasure in earnest work in my profession. I hoped that the extinction of my excessive sexual desire was near at hand, exhausted by the great hardships of the campaign.

“Scarcely had I recovered, when the old unbounded desire again appeared, and led to new unbridled satisfaction. Of course, I often thought of it; but my inclination, so revolting to the world, did not seem so to me.