Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/267

Rh have terrible depression and melancholia, when I see the difficulty of gratification corresponding with my male-loving nature; and when I am greatly excited sexually, and have overcome the desire, owing to impossibility of male gratification. In such conditions, often the depression is associated with absolute lack of sexual desire. In work I am industrious, but often too quick; for I am inclined to work too rapidly and violently. I have a lively interest in art and literature. Among poets and writers of fiction, I prefer, for the most part, those who describe refined feelings, peculiar passions, and far-fetched impressions; an artificial or hyper-artificial style pleases me. Likewise in music, it is the nervous, exciting music of a Chopin, a Schumann, a Schubert, or a Wagner, etc., that is in most perfect harmony with me. Everything in art that is not only original, but bizarre, attracts me.

“I do not like physical exercise, and do not practice it.

“In character I am kind and compassionate; and, though I have much to suffer with my anomaly, I am not unhappy because I love young men, but because the satisfaction of such love is considered improper, and because I cannot gratify it without restraint. I cannot regard male love as a vice, though I can well understand why it is considered vicious. But, since this love is regarded as criminal, in gratifying it I am in harmony with myself, but not with our age of the world; and, therefore, I must, necessarily, be somewhat depressed; the more, since I have a frank character that hates lie. The pain of having always to hide it all in myself has induced me to confess my anomaly to a few friends, of whose silence and appreciation I am confident. Nevertheless, my situation often seems sad. On account of the difficulty of gratification and the general abhorrence of male love, I am often a little proud that I have such anomalous feelings. Of course, I shall never marry. This does not seem any misfortune, even though I love family life, and have thus far lived only with my parents. I live in the hope that later I shall have a lover; I must have one; without one, the future deems dark and barren, and all the ambitions usually cherished—honor, position, etc.—seem empty and unattractive. If I should not have this hope fulfilled, I know I shall be unable to long devote myself to my business with pleasure, and I shall soon be in a condition to sacrifice everything to obtain male love. I no longer have any moral scruples on account of my anomalous inclination; I have, in fact, never been troubled because I felt attracted to boys. I am much more inclined to judge morality and immorality in accordance with my feelings than in accordance with fixed principles; for I have always been given to skepticism, and have never yet studied out a fixed belief for myself. As yet, only what injures others seems to me to be evil and immoral, and that that I would not have inflicted on myself; and, in this direction, I may say that I try to infringe on the rights of others as little as possible, and that I am capable of great indignation at injustice inflicted on another. But,