Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/265

Rh “Early in our acquaintance there came a time when I heard nothing more of him; for he did not think he could trust me. During these weeks I endured anxiety and pain that brought me into a state of depression and anxious restlessness, such as I had never before experienced. Scarcely to have found a lover and then to be compelled to lose him, seemed the greatest misfortune to me. When, thanks to my efforts, we met again, my joy was unbounded; indeed, I was so excited that, in his embrace again for the first time, in spite of my sensual lust, I could not induce ejaculation.

“Usus sexualis in osculis et amplexionibus solis constitit, pene meo ludere ei licebat (while the touch on it of a woman’s hand is unendurable to me, and I never allow it). It is also to be noted that, in the company of my lover, I immediately have an erection; the pressure of his hand, or even his look, is sufficient. Evenings, for hours at a time, I have gone about with him, never tiring of his society for a moment, despite his inferior station. With him I feel happy, and the sexual satisfaction is merely the crowning of our love. Although I had finally found the man like myself, whom I had so long sought, and I could at last enjoy male love, yet I have not become insensitive to women; and I visit brothels when I am too sorely troubled by desire. I had hoped to be able to spend this winter in the city where my lover is; but this is, unfortunately, impossible, and I am now forced to be separated from him for an indefinite period. Nevertheless, we shall try to see each other, if only for a short time, and only once or twice a year; at least, I hope that in the future we may again be together for a longer time. Thus, for this winter, I am again compelled to be without a friend like myself. I had, indeed, resolved, on account of the danger of discovery, never to try to find another urning; but this is impossible. Sexual intercourse with women does not satisfy me, and my desire for young men constantly increases. I am often afraid of myself; afraid that, in asking all prostitutes, as I do, whether they know others like me, I might be discovered. Yet I cannot keep from seeking a youth like myself; indeed, I know that in case of necessity I shall buy a soldier, though I know perfectly well the penalty meted out to one caught in such circumstances.

“I can no longer do without male love; without it I should always be out of harmony with myself. My ideal would be to be associated with a number like myself; but I should be satisfied if I could have unrestrained intercourse with one lover. I could easily dispense with women, if I had regular male satisfaction; but I think that at long intervals I should embrace a woman for the sake of variety, as my nature is absolutely hermaphroditic in a psycho-sexual sense (women I can only desire sensually, but I can love and sensually desire young men). If there were marriage between men, I think I should not avoid a life-long union; while marriage with a woman seems to me something impossible.