Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/262

244 often seized with a desire for him as intense as that I now have for persons I love. I think, however, that I first had erections in my thirteenth year. During these years, as I have said, I had only the desire to embrace and kiss; cupiditas videndi vel tangendi aliorum genitalia mihi plane deerat. I was a perfectly innocent, näivenaïve [sic] boy, and, until my fifteenth year, did not know the meaning of an erection; indeed, I never once ventured to kiss the beloved person; for I felt that it would be doing something strange. I felt no desire to masturbate, and also had the good fortune not to be seduced to it by older comrades. I have never yet masturbated; I feel a certain repugnance for it.

“In my fourteenth and fifteenth years I was seized with a passion for several young persons, some of whom still attract me. Thus I was very much in love with a boy with whom I had never spoken. It was even a delight to meet him on the street.

“That my passions were of a sensual nature is shown by the fact that, when I pressed and caressed the hands of those I loved, I had powerful erections. But it has always been my greatest pleasure amplecti et os osculari; I desired nothing else.

“I did not know that what I experienced was sexual love; I only said to myself that it was impossible that I alone felt such stimuli.

“Until my fifteenth year a woman had never excited me; but one evening, when I was alone with our servant-girl in a room, I experienced the same desire that I had for many boys. At first I played with her; and, when I found that she liked to be kissed, I covered her with kisses. I felt such sensual pleasure in it as I now seldom experience. Mouth to mouth, we kissed each other, and after about ten minutes ejaculation occurred. Thus I gratified myself two or three times a week. I soon began a similar relation with our cook, and with other servant-girls. Ejaculation always took place after kissing for about ten minutes.

“In the meantime, I had taken dancing-lessons. There I was first charmed by a nice girl; but this love soon disappeared, and I fell in love with another girl, with whom I never became acquainted, but at the sight of whom I felt an attraction like that of boys, and unlike the purely brutal passion I felt for other girls. At this time my impulse for girls was at its acme; I was pleased by about an equal number of girls and boys. As mentioned above, I gratified my sensuality by kissing the servant-girl and inducing ejaculation. Thus I spent the time from my sixteenth to my eighteenth year. The departure of the servant deprived me of opportunity.

“Then came two or three years during which I had to give up sexual pleasure. In general, girls pleased me less; and, too, now that I had grown older, I was ashamed to surrender myself to the servant-girls.

“It was not possible for me to obtain a mistress; for, notwithstanding my years, I was carefully watched by my parents, and associated but little with young men, and thus had but little independence.