Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/260

242 to go through struggles similar to my earlier ones. From that time I was successful in keeping him away from me.

“I again went to various Universities, and also visited many water-cures, with temporary, but never permanent, benefit. I fell in love, too, with many friends, but never so deeply as with the friend at M. I no longer had sexual intercourse, neither with women—I was incapable of it—nor with men; for I had no opportunity for it with the latter, and I forced myself to avoid it. I still often met my friend of M.; we are as good friends as ever, and, much to my delight, he no longer excites me. It is usually so; when for a long time I have not seen a person who excites me, the sexual influence disappears.

“I passed my examinations with distinction. During the last year before they took place,—when I was twenty-three,—I began to practice masturbation; for I could find no other way in which to gratify my burdensome sexual appetite. Still, I did it very infrequently; for after it I was always disgusted, and spent a sleepless night. But when I have drunk much, I lose all strength; and then I run about for hours, seeking men, and finally come to onanism, to awake the next day with a dull head and a horror of myself, and go about all day in a melancholy state. As long as I have control of myself, I use all my strength to combat my nature. It is terrible when one can have no pleasure in associating with friends, and every erect soldier or butcher-boy makes one tremble and throb. It is frightful when night comes, and I watch at the window for some one to urinate against a wall across the way, and give me an opportunity to see his genitals. These thoughts are terrible; and besides, there is the consciousness of the immorality and criminality of my state of mind and my longing. I have a repugnance for myself that I cannot describe. I consider my condition abnormal; I cannot think that it is congenital, but I believe that the impulse was bred in me by faulty education. My suffering makes me reckless and egotistical; it takes away all kindness of disposition, and makes me careless about my family. I am moody, and often almost insane; often I am so depressed that I know not what to do, and then am easily moved to tears. And yet I have a horror of sexual intercourse with men. One evening when I came from a drinking-party, drunk and excited and in a half-conscious state, and, full of desire, was wandering about, I met a young man, who got me to perform mutual masturbation. Though he excited me, after the act I was beside myself. To-day, when I go by the place, I am overcome with horror; and lately, when riding by it, without any cause, I fell from my gentle horse, that I know so well,—I was so overcome by the memory of my unworthy deed.

“I love family life and children, and social intercourse; and, with my position in society, I am suited to have a family. But I must give up all that; and yet, I cannot abandon hope of cure. And so I vacillate between hopeful gaiety and frightful hopelessness, and neglect business