Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/258

240 attracted and excited me sexually just as early and powerfully. I always took great delight in reading and in the theatre. I had a doll-theatre, with which I played by preference. I knew whole pieces by heart, and copied the actors I saw, taking especially the female parts, in which I was delighted to put on female attire.

“As my sexual life became more pronounced, my inclination for boys won the upper hand. I fell completely in love with my companions, and had lustful feeling if one of them who pleased me touched my body. I became very shy, and refused to take gymnastic and swimming lessons. I thought I was different from my comrades, and did not like to undress before them. I liked to look at the penes of my companions, and easily had erections. I masturbated but once, and that in my youth. When a friend told me that one could have pleasure without women, I likewise tried it; but I found no pleasure in it. At that time, also, a book fell in my hands which warned against the effects of onanism. After that one trial I never did it again. In my fourteenth or fifteenth year, I made the acquaintance of two younger boys who excited me sexually to the highest degree. I was especially in love with one of them. I became sexually excited in his presence, and was restless when I did not have him near me. I was jealous of those who associated with him, and embarrassed in his presence. He had no suspicion of my condition. I felt very unhappy, and often wept gladly, feeling then relieved. Yet I could not understand this feeling, and always felt its irregularity. I was also especially unhappy because my ability to work disappeared all at once. I, who before had learned with ease, suddenly had difficulty; my thoughts were never on the subject. Only by straining every nerve could I get anything through my head. I always had to study aloud, in order to keep my attention on the matter in hand. My memory, which was previously excellent, often left me in the lurch. Nevertheless, I continued to be a good scholar, and I still pass for a talented man; but I have terrible difficulty in learning anything. I exerted all my energy to free myself from this sad condition. Daily I went swimming; I practiced turning, rode much, and practiced fencing, in all of which I enjoyed myself very much. I still like to be on a horse’s back, though I know nothing about horses, and have no particular talent for physical exercises. I was never absent from a drinking-party, and I smoked. I was much liked. In cafés I associated much with waitresses, and liked to amuse myself with them, without, however, being sexually excited by them. Among my friends and teachers, I passed for a man who was much with women, and spoiled by them. Unfortunately, this was not true.

“At the age of nineteen I went to the University. My first semester was spent at the University of B., and it is still terrible to recall it. My sexual appetite powerfully excited me, and at night, for hours at a time, I ran about looking for men, especially when I was intoxicated.