Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/256

238 Thank God, I attained the latter. After undertaking the first dissection of the lower extremity of a female, this unhappy desire was removed from me. I was unhappy because I was always deeply ashamed of this impulse. I think I may spare further details concerning it, since this peculiar enthusiasm, which even inspired me to write verses, has been sufficiently described by others.

“Now, concerning the last phase of my sexual errors: I was about thirteen, and had just begun to mature, when a school-mate, who happened to be our guest, teased me one night by kicking me with his bare feet under the covers. I seized his foot, and immediately became greatly excited, and had a pollution after it,—the first that I had. The boy was peculiarly girlish in form, and was also mentally effeminate. Too, another comrade who had very small and delicate hands and feet, whom I once saw in a bath, caused unusual excitement in me. I thought it a great piece of good fortune to be in bed with either of these, though any nearer sexual intercourse than embracing them never came into my mind. Moreover, I always thrust such thoughts aside with aversion. Some years later, when about sixteen or eighteen, I made the acquaintance of two other boys that awakened my sexual feeling. When I played with either of these, I immediately had an erection. Both were very energetic and lively, but delicately formed and child-like. At the occurrence of puberty I lost interest in both of them, though a warm friendship was preserved. I should never have allowed myself to have indulged in vicious practices with them.

“When I went to the University, I forgot completely these errors of my libido sexualis, and from principle I kept from sexual intercourse until I was twenty-four, in spite of the contempt of my companions. When pollutions became too frequent, and I began to fear cerebral neurasthenia ex abstinentia, I gave myself up to normal sexual indulgence, though somewhat mechanically; and it was, of course, very beneficial to me.

“The especial field of work to which I have devoted myself is responsible for the fact that I am almost impotent with puellis publicis, and also for the fact that the naked form of a woman disgusts rather than excites me. The act always satisfies me the most, if, during it, I can keep the vision of the face before me; but since, on the other hand, the idea that the girl near me is enjoyed by another is unbearable, for years I have found it absolutely necessary for my mental comfort, in spite of the pecuniary sacrifice, to keep a mistress, and, indeed, a virgin. Otherwise the most terrible jealousy made me absolutely incapable of work. I must also mention that, at thirteen, I fell in love platonically for the first time; and since then I have often pined in chaste love. What distinguishes my case from all others is the fact that I have never once masturbated in my life.

“Some weeks ago, in sleep, I was frightened by a dream of a naked