Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/255

Rh, measles, croup, small-pox, and, at thirteen, chronic intestinal catarrh that lasted a year). My mother, being herself very religious, raised me, without spoiling me, in a religious way, and implanted in me, as the guiding moral principle, an unyielding devotion to duty, which was further carried to an extreme in me by a teacher whom I still call a friend. Owing to my delicate health, my childhood, in greater part, was spent in bed; and I was thus given to quiet occupations, especially reading; and thus as a boy I came to be—if not blasé—premature at least. As early as eight or nine the parts of books that excited me most were those where injuries or operations that had to be endured by beautiful girls or ladies, were described. Thus I was thrown into great excitement by a story in which was pictured a maiden that had run a thorn into her foot, with a boy taking it out for her. Indeed, every time that I looked upon this picture, which was in nowise lascivious, I had an erection. Whenever possible, I went to see chickens killed; and if I had missed that, I looked at the spots of blood, and stroked the warm bodies of the birds, with pleasurable shudders. I would emphasize the fact that I have always been a great lover of animals, and have felt disgust and pity while killing larger animals, and even in the vivisection of frogs.

“The killing of chickens is still a great sexual stimulus for me, and especially holding them, during which I have palpitation of the heart and precordial oppression. It is of interest that my father had a passion for binding together the hands of girls and young women.

“I think that another of my sexual abnormalities is attributable to this strain of cruelty. As I shall clearly describe later, one of my favorite games was that of an improvised doll-theatre, where I prescribed the parts of my companions. Almost always it was a young girl who, at the command of her papa, whom I represented, had to have a painful operation done on her foot. The more the girl cried, the more satisfaction I had. How I came to hit upon the foot as the constant object of operation will be seen from the following: When a very young boy, I happened to see my eldest sister change her stockings. When she hastily hid her feet, my attention was attracted, and immediately the sight of her bare feet to the ankles came to be the ideal of my longing. Naturally, this made my sister very careful; and thus there was occasioned a constant quarrel, which, on my part, was kept up with all the wiles of cunning and flattery, and with even explosions of anger, until my seventeenth year. In other respects my sister was very indifferent. Indeed, her kiss is repugnant to me. Faute de mieux, I made use of the feet of servants; masculine feet had no effect on me. My greatest desire would have been to cut the nails, or, sit venia verbo, the corns, on the beautiful foot of a woman. My lustful dreams were concerned with these things. Indeed, I applied myself to the study of medicine really in the expectation of gaining an opportunity to satisfy my desires, or cure them.