Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/226

208 to my breast; I felt, as before while in the bath, that the genitals had shrunken, the pelvis broadened, the breasts swollen out; a feeling of unspeakable delight came over me. I closed my eyes, so that at least I did not see the face changed. My physician looked as if he had a gigantic potatoe instead of a head; my wife had the full moon on her nates. And yet I was strong enough to briefly record my will in my note-book when both left the room for a short time.

“But who could describe my fright, when, on the next morning, I awoke and found myself feeling as if completely changed into a woman; and when, on standing and walking, I felt vulva and mammæ! When at last I raised myself out of bed, I felt that a complete transformation had taken place in me. During my sickness a visitor said: ‘He is too patient for a man.’ And the visitor gave me a plant in bloom, which seemed strange, but pleased me. From that time I was patient, and would do nothing in a hurry; but I became tenacious, like a cat, though, at the same time, mild, forgiving, and no longer bearing enmity,—in short, I had a woman’s disposition. During the last sickness I had many visual and auditory hallucinations,—spoke with the dead, etc.; saw and heard familiar spirits; felt like a double person; but, while lying ill, I did not notice that the man in me had been extinguished. The change in my disposition was a piece of good fortune which came over me like lightning, and which, had it come with me feeling as I formerly did, would have killed me; but now I gave myself up to it, and no longer recognized myself. Owing to the fact that I still often confounded neurasthenic symptoms with the gout, 1 took many baths, until an itching of the skin with the feeling of scabies, instead of being diminished, was so increased that I gave up all external treatment (I was made more and more anæmic by the baths), and hardened myself as best I could. But the imperative female feeling remained, and became so strong that I wear only the mask of a man, and in everything else feel like a woman; and gradually I have lost memory of the former individuality. What was left of me from the gout, the influenza ruined entirely.

“Present Condition: I am tall, slightly bald, and the beard is growing gray. I begin to stoop. Since having the influenza, I have lost about a quarter of my strength. Owing to a valvular lesion, my face looks somewhat red; full beard; chronic conjunctivitis; more muscular than fat. The left foot seems to be developing varicose veins, and it often goes to sleep; but it is not really thickened, though it seems to be.

“The mammary region, though small, swells out perceptibly. The abdomen is feminine in form; the feet are placed like a woman’s, and the calves, etc., are feminine; and it is the same with arms and hands, I can wear ladies’ hose, and gloves, 7½ to 7¾ in size. I also wear a corset without annoyance. My weight varies between 168 and 184 pounds. Urine without albumen or sugar, but it contains an excess of uric acid. But if there is not too much uric acid in it, it is clear, and almost as