Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/221

Rh Case 99. Autobiography. “Born in Hungary in 1844, for many years I was the only child of my parents; for the other children died for the most part of general weakness. A brother came late, who is still living.

“I come of a family in which nervous and mental diseases have been numerous. It is said that I was very pretty as a little child, with blonde locks and transparent skin; very obedient, quiet, and modest, so that I was taken everywhere in the society of ladies without any offense on my part.

“With a very active imagination—my enemy through life—my talents developed rapidly. I could read and write at the age of four; my memory reaches back to my third year. I played with everything that fell into my hands,—with leaden soldiers, or stones, or ribbons from a children’s store; but a machine for working in wood, that was given to me as a present, I did not like. I liked best to be at home with my mother, who was everything to me. I had two or three friends, with whom I got on good-naturedly; but I liked to play with their sisters quite as well, who always treated me like a girl, which at first did not embarrass me. I must have already been on the road to become just like a girl; at least, I can still well remember how it was always said: ‘He is not intended for a boy.’ At this I tried to play the boy—imitated my companions in everything, and tried to surpass them in wildness. In this I succeeded. There was no tree or building too high for me to reach its top. I took great delight in soldiers. I avoided girls more, because I did not wish to play with their play-things; and it always annoyed me that they treated me so much like one of themselves.

“In the society of mature people, however, I was always modest, and, also, always regarded with favor. Fantastic dreams about wild animals—which once drove me out of bed without waking me—frequently troubled me. I was always very simply, but very elegantly, dressed, and thus developed a taste for beautiful clothing. It seems peculiar to me that, from, the time of my school-days, I had a partiality for ladies’ gloves, which I put on secretly as often as I could. Thus, when once my mother was about to give away a pair of gloves, I made great opposition to it, and told her, when she asked why I acted so, that I wanted them myself. I was laughed at; and from that time I took good care not to display my preference for female things. Yet my delight in them was very great. I took especial pleasure in masquerade costumes,—i.e., only in female attire. If I saw them, I envied their owners. What seemed to me the prettiest sight was: two young men, beautifully dressed as white ladies, with masks on; and yet I would not have shown myself to others as a girl for anything; I was so afraid of being ridiculed. At school I worked very hard, and was always among the first. From childhood my parents taught me that duty came first; and they always set me an example. It was also a pleasure for me to