Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/217

Rh thought it was the result of sitting too much while preparing for examinations. I developed a fistula, and had to undergo an operation; but this did not cure me of my desire to allow myself to be used passively. I became a physician, and went to a provincial city, where I had to live like a nun. I developed a desire to move in ladies’ society, and was gladly welcomed there; because it was found that I was not so one-sided as most men, and was interested in toilettes and such feminine things. However, I felt very unhappy and lonesome. Fortunately, in this town, I made the acquaintance of a man, a ‘sister,’ who felt like me. For some time I was taken care of by him. When he had to leave, I had an attack of despair, with depression, which was accompanied by thoughts of suicide.

“When it became impossible for me to longer endure the town, I became a military surgeon in the Capital. There I began to live again, and often made two or three acquaintances in one day. I had never loved boys or young people; only fully-developed men. The thought of falling into the hands of the police was frightful. Thus I have escaped the clutches of the blackmailer. At the same time, I could not keep myself from the satisfaction of my impulse. After some months I fell in love with an official of forty. I remained true to him for a year, and we lived like a pair of lovers. I was the wife, and was formally courted by the lover. One day I was transferred to a small town. We were in despair. The last night was spent in continually kissing and caressing one another.

“In T. I was unspeakably unhappy, in spite of some ‘sisters’ whom I found. I could not forget my lover. In order to satisfy my sexual desire, which cried for satisfaction, I chose soldiers. Money obtained men; but they remained cold, and I had no enjoyment with them. I was successful in being re-transferred to the Capital. There, there was a new love-relation, but much jealousy; because my lover liked to go into the society of ‘sisters,’ and was proud and coquettish. There was a rupture. I was very unhappy and very glad to be transferred from the Capital. I now stayed in C., alone and in despair. Two infantry privates were brought into service, but with the same unsatisfactory result. When shall I ever find true love again?

“I am over medium height, well developed, and look somewhat aged; and, therefore, when I wish to make conquests I use the arts of the toilet. My manner, movements, and face are masculine. Physically I feel as youthful as a boy of twenty. I love the theatre, and especially art. My interest in the stage is in the actresses, whose every movement and gesture I notice and criticise.

“In the society of gentlemen I am silent and embarrassed, while in the society of those like myself I am free, witty, and as fawning as a cat, if a man is sympathetic. If I am without love, I become deeply melancholic; but the favors of the first handsome man dispel my