Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/211

Rh manner, I preferred to masturbate, because I felt that I would thus have more enjoyment.

“And yet experience has taught me that I am always potent with girls, and that, too, without trouble and without the help of imagining masculine genitals. In one case, however, I did not attain ejaculation because the woman—it was in a brothel—was devoid of every charm. I cannot avoid the thought and severe self-accusation that, to a certain extent, my contrary sexuality is the result of excessive onanism; and this especially depresses me, because I am compelled to acknowledge that I scarcely feel strong enough to overcome this vice by the force of my own will.

“As a result of my relations with my fellow-student and schoolmate for years, mentioned in this communication,—which, however, began while we were at the University, and after we had been friends for seven years,—the impulse to unnatural satisfaction of libido has grown much stronger. I trust you will permit the description of an incident which occupied me for months:—

“In the summer of 1882, I made the acquaintance of a companion six years younger than myself, who, with several others, had been introduced to me and my acquaintances. I very soon felt a deep interest in this handsome man, who was unusually well proportioned, slim, and full of health. After a few weeks of association, this feeling became friendship, and at last passionate love, with feelings of the most intense jealousy. I very soon noticed that, in this, sexual excitation was also very marked; and, notwithstanding my determination, aside from all others, to keep myself in check in relation to this man, whom I respected so highly for his superior character, one night, after free indulgence in beer, as we were enjoying a bottle of champagne in my room and drinking to good, true, and lasting friendship, I yielded to the irresistible impulse to embrace him, etc.

“When I saw him, next day, I was so ashamed that I could not look him in the face. I felt the deepest regret for my action, and accused myself bitterly for having thus sullied this friendship, which was to be and remain so pure and precious. In order to prove to him that I had lost control of myself only momentarily, at the end of the semester I urged him to make an excursion with me; and after some reluctance, the reason of which was only too clear to me, he consented. Several nights we slept in the same room without any attempt on my part to repeat my action. I wished to talk with him about the event of that night, but I could not bring myself to it; even when, during the next semester, we were separated, I could not induce myself to write to him on the subject; and when I visited him, in March, at X., it was the same. And yet I felt a great desire to clear up this dark point by an open statement. In October of the same year, I was again in X., and this time found courage to speak without reserve; indeed, I asked him why he had not resisted me. He answered that, in part, it was because he wished to please