Page:Psychopathia Sexualis (tr. Chaddock, 1892).djvu/120

102 “I am thirty years old, and come of a mother who suffered with periodical insanity. As early as my fourteenth year abnormal sexual tendencies were noticeable in me. It always gave me a certain lustful pleasure to be whipped by boys of my own age, particularly when I was: taken over the knee and spanked. It particularly delighted me when this was done by handsome young persons or boys having well formed legs and closely-fitting trousers. By means of such ideas I also came to masturbate; and I practiced onanism quite frequently,—almost daily, and, in fact, in absolute ignorance of the terrible results of the vice. Thus it continued until my eighteenth year, when, thus far absolutely unsuspecting, I was made aware of the vicious results of the practice.

“From this time began the terrible struggle with the desire to give it up, which I only too often abandoned. The fancies mentioned did not leave me; I longed to be whipped by handsome young persons aged from twenty to twenty-two years, wearing tight trousers. My fancy was filled especially with young soldiers and hussars. At times I was able to repress my imagination and avoid onanism; but I then had pollutions with dreams of the same nature.

“After my twentieth year, to my astonishment, the sexual inclination toward women, which I had noticed in comrades of my own age, and the occurrence of which I expected in myself, did not appear. I was cold toward women, and embarrassed in their presence. At the same time, feminine nudity was not unpleasant; on the contrary, there was something attractive about it, but my sensuality was not excited.

“I twice attempted coitus; I was not troubled about being in bed with the girl, but rather kissed and embraced her with pleasure, and even had traces of erection, but that was all. Since then I have had no hope, and occasionally returned to onanism, which I had avoided for some months previously. Nevertheless, I cultivated social intercourse with ladies, and particularly young girls; and I was esteemed in society, and liked for my graceful dancing. I was always hoping that in this way my unhappy tendency would be overcome successfully, but in vain; it grew constantly stronger. Thus I have lived hours of wretchedness; and the ghost of suicide has passed before me. I once confided in a physician in Pesth, but he had only the usual remedies for persons suffering with sexual weakness,—cold baths, quieting medicines, intercourse with women, etc.

“I tried everything in vain, until by accident a book on contrary sexual instinct fell into my hands, and gave me the last ray of hope. I have a respected position as a merchant, and appreciate thoroughly the joys of family life; and I have an opportunity to marry, under the most favorable circumstances, a young girl whom I love, and who loves me. But I feel the cruel impossibility of this step. I suffer terribly in thinking about these repulsive abnormalities. My only hope lies in a cure by means of hypnosis. May it not be in vain!”