Page:Philochristus, Abbott, 1878.djvu/296

288 himself out before Jesus of Nazareth, beseeching him to take away the coldness of heart, and to give him a heart of flesh. Howbeit Satan hindered it, taking advantage of his pride; for the man was always very proud, and had hitherto been foremost among the apostles; nor could he brook now to step down from his high place and to make himself even as one of the sinners. Wherefore he opened himself not to Jesus, but hardened himself against the voice of the Lord within him.

Yet methinks the conflict was no light one in his heart; and even to the last, he could scarce refrain from giving himself up to Jesus. And, as it seemed to me, for this cause Jesus called him to be one of the Twelve, perceiving how great gifts the Lord had bestowed upon him, and also hoping, by this means, perchance, to have cast out the jealousy and the pride from his heart, and in the end, to have drawn him wholly towards himself. For if Judas could have felt that he was altogether trusted, even as the chief of all the apostles, then belike he would have cast away the pride whereon he clothed himself, and would have opened his heart to our Master; and then verily he would have been a light in Israel, not less than the greatest of the apostles. But it was not so to be; for it was otherwise willed by the Inscrutable.

So it came to pass that, from the time when he was rebuked by Jesus, as I have related above (though in truth the rebuke was not more for Judas than for the rest of the disciples), Judas withdrew himself more and more from Jesus and from the other disciples; neither would he speak freely nor ask questions as before, but he moved the other disciples to question Jesus in his stead. Yet notwithstanding when Jesus exhorted or rebuked us, Judas would ever take the rebuke unto himself above all, and say that Jesus pointed at him, though he did not mention