Page:Oregon Historical Quarterly volume 18.djvu/233



Hall Jackson Kelley 205

as when the wise and prudent about me were wont to say of me, *He is living thirty years in advance of the times' ....

"Persecuting enemies take every advantage of my physical infirmities to bring me into low repute with friends and coun- trymen ; which circumstance renders it highly needful I should explain concerning them. My infirmities are what render my external appearance unfavorable to right perceptions of me. I will now proceed to explain as to the cause and nature of the great calamity I have so long suffered ....

"Besides the calamity and other evils contributing to ugly external appearances, I am, as has been already explained, slow of apprehension, much slower, probably, than was Moses, who found a like difficulty with me, in expressing his thoughts, much slower than Goldsmith .... At times of hig^ ner- vous irritation I lose the physical ability of expressing my thoughts .... As a legitimate result of this evil, I am also diffident. This adds very much to imfavorable outward ap- pearances. Sad, very sad, were these appearances between the years 1829 and about 1852 .... I became terribly per- plexed, and was driven, at times, to high mental excitement, doubtless to a near approximation to insanity. Was then more than in previous years, liable to foibles, inadvertences, and im- proprieties of conduct. In those years, at every attempt to perform before the public, to lead in devotional exercises at public gatherings, was a failure; diffidence at such times was more humbling and mortifying than ever. Often was I put tD shame. After the last mentioned year, the outward appear- ances began to wear a more favorable aspect. I recovered from perplexity .... I think my head and heart are full of thoughts, original, great and good ....

"A word further as to the condition and evils to which I am now reduced. Having nearly lost my eyesight, I am unable at the present time to distinguish by the features one person from another at six feet distant from me ; and am unable to read manuscript or even print, unless it be in large type, and not that without distress in the optic nerves, and a degree of