Page:Oregon Historical Quarterly vol. 7.pdf/238

232 goodness of God to me. I think I may safely say concerning my own conduct, that the more prominent features, or rather the general outlines of the picture, have been such as would be, in the main, approved of by even the judicious. But the filling up, the FILLING UP, there is the difficulty. I know full well, that the main object I have kept in view has been the glory of God in the salvation of souls, and having judged it expedient under existing circumstances to employ much of my time in manual labour, I pursued it with diligence and energy for the first twelve months which I have reason to believe superinduced the Intermittent Fever."

Following on the same page is the beginning of the last portion of this record:

"North Fork Platte River, July 28, 1838. The above paragraph was written in the wilderness, between the Willamette and the Pacific, when on a journey to the latter, with Bro. Shephard for the benefit of our health, accompanied by our companions, and a neighbour. I wrote the above with the intention of taking notes for the rest of the journey. Was obliged to break off suddenly to move on, and being rather feeble, I did not resume my pen. I have since kept no journal, except for a few days when on a trip to the Umpqua. * * * Previous to leaving for Umpqua I had written Dr. McLoughlin requesting a passage [back East] in the companies Boats, with himself, by the Hudson Bay route. This I greatly preferred to the route I came, as less fatiguing, less dangerous, better calculated to restore my debilitated system, and much more likely to afford new and interesting and useful information. The answer * * * I did not get till my return. The Dr. could not grant my request and expressed himself "doubly mortified;" because he could not do me the favour and should also be deprived of my company."

In this portion he becomes reminiscent. Into this mood he was drawn by his yearning and tender concern for her whom he had left behind. The fact that Messrs. Edwards and Ewing were going back across the plains this year overcame his reluctance to take this route and to go at all. It was the "firm conviction of many of the Brethren that it was his duty to go," and he speaks "of many other weighty considerations," which "if they did not remove" all of his objections, "finally counterbalanced them." If the idea of colonization was entertained, or any special