Page:Once a Week Volume 7.djvu/603

. 22, 1862.] morning I hired an assistant who had been recommended to me, went to bed at six, leaving him to look after the shop, and I have just been up long enough to brew this jorum of punch, which I think you’ll find to your liking—so, light up, fill your glass, and let’s have a night of it.’

“Now, I never could resist whisky-punch at any time; so, enraged as I was at my nephew’s ’cuteness, I nevertheless, somehow or other, did as he told me, and in half-an-hour we were chatting together as friendly as could be.

‘Take care of yourself,’ said he, as I rose to depart, “and‘and [sic] don’t assault the police. You will find me at home again to-morrow at the same hour.’

“Well, this went on night after night for some months, and at last I really think I should have been sorry had he given up the pipe, inasmuch as I should have then had no excuse for paying him any more visits. Under the influence of punch, I was fool enough to let him into a few of our ghost secrets which I had much better have kept to myself. Amongst other things, I informed him that our superintendent, who was exceedingly strict, never allowed us to remove ourselves more than one thousand miles from our coffins of a night, which was a cause of great annoyance to many of us, who were anxious occasionally to travel abroad and see what was going on there.”

“Excuse me interrupting you,” said I, “but that does not at all agree with many of the ghost stories I have read. Why, it is the commonest thing in the world for a ghost to come all the way from India, or some other distant place, to announce his own death.”

“Ah! Indian ghosts may be allowed to do that, but not English ones, I can assure you. We are subjected to the strictest rules.”

“Well, I knew before that ghosts and spirits had to go out at the same entrance by which they came in, for I learnt that from Mephistopheles, but I never knew that they were tied to one spot before.”

“I don’t know anything about Mephistopheles,” replied the ghost, “but you may rely upon it that the information I am giving you is as correct as anything he can furnish. I am very glad, too, to see that you are becoming interested in my story.”

“Not a bit of it,” said I, “but I can’t let you have all the talk to yourself. However, go a-head.”

“Well, as I told you, I had been visiting my nephew regularly every night, for about three months, when there was a general order issued, that from and after the 1st of the next month, no ghost was to be allowed out for twenty-eight days, as it was intended to take the decennial census, and also to obtain certain ghostly statistics which had been long needed by the administration. For this purpose commissioners were appointed to ask each individual a certain number of totally useless questions, and although only a few of us could be examined every night, it was considered necessary to confine us all until the investigation was at an end. On the last night of liberty my nephew perceived I was out of sorts when I came, and asked me the reason. I told him that I should be unable to see him for a whole month, as I should be detained by business, but that I should renew my visits as soon as ever that term had expired. He made no remark at the time, but as I rose to depart he said: ‘My dear uncle, your visits have caused me the greatest pleasure, but you will at once see the propriety of discontinuing them in future, when I inform you that this day week I am about to marry. You would not, I am sure, think of intruding into my bedroom, and frightening my wife out of her wits, and, as a matter of course, it would be highly improper on my part to spend my nights in future in carousing and smoking.’

‘Oh, you are going to get married, are you, and that without consulting me? Very well, sir, you can of course please yourself; but if I am to be denied in future the charms of your conversation and your punch, at any rate, I will carry off my pipe to comfort me, so hand it over, and you will have done with me now and for ever.’

‘How many times have I told you that you will never get the pipe.’

‘Very good, then, you had better inform your wife beforehand that your house is haunted, for rest assured I shall never discontinue my visits until that pipe is restored to me.’

‘That is your fixed determination?’

‘It is.’

‘Very well, we shall see.’

‘So we shall.’

“Never do I remember so irksome a month as the ensuing one. The instant I was freed from restraint I was at my nephew’s house. I entered; the stairs were bare of carpets. I passed into his bed-chamber; it was empty. Not a stick of furniture in any room in the house, not an ounce of tobacco in the shop. The bird was flown.

“Oh, ho, thought I, so he thinks to escape me in this way, does he; but the possession of that pipe insures my entry wherever he may have gone, and I don’t think it will take me very long to find him out. I was just leaving, when I noticed a note on the floor. I took it up. It contained the following words:

‘Dear Uncle,—As you won’t agree to leave me in peace, I am obliged to resort to extreme measures. I have, therefore, sold my business, and am going with my wife to Australia. I sail to-morrow; the wind is fair, so that by the time you get this I shall be further away than your nightly limit of 1000 miles. Your affectionate nephew, ’

“I looked at the date. He had been gone fifteen days. Furious, I rushed back, and laid the matter before the superintendent. He admitted the gross injustice with which I had been treated, was extremely sorry for me, but was unable to act in the matter. My case was perfectly new; there was no precedent. But I was not to be put off in this way, and made myself so general a nuisance, that for the sake of peace and quietness I was allowed the indulgence of a year’s absence, upon the condition, however, that I went out to Australia decently on board ship, paying for my passage like a respectable ghost, and carrying my coffin with me, ‘Into which,’ added the venerable magistrate, ‘you will retire regularly during the