Page:Once a Week Jul - Dec 1859.pdf/550

24, 1859.] West -End. But, well, — a lady,  I said. She inquired for Mr. Filey. That gentleman  made  his  bow.

“‘Mr. Filey/ she  said,  “I have  come  to  you on a sad  case.’  She  sighed. Of course  Mr.  Filey was full  of  sympathy — in  his  aspect,  at  all  events.

“Yes! she said,    it  is  very  sad. You are great in  teeth,  Mr. Filey. Do you  remember  me years  ago?’

“Mr. Filey begged  to  be  excused  his  forgetfulness, attributing  it  to  his  extended  practice.

“Ah! I was then  younger,  Mr. Filey. I am now, as  my  card  will  have  shown  you,  Lady Spriggs.’

“Mr. Filey bowed  to  the  title.

“I have a nephew,  Mr.  Filey; the  heir  to  a vast  property. He has  but  one  defect — his  teeth! Oh! the trouble  those  teeth  have  given  us! His timidity is  such  that  he  will  never  now  approach a dentist’s shop— I mean  house,  and  we  are  at  our wit’s ends  what  to  do  with  him. Do you  think that if  I contrived  to  lure  him  here,  Mr.  Filey, that you  could  so  manage  as  to  remove  one  or  two of his — I think  you  call  them  grinders — without his being  aware  of  it?’

The proposition  was  rather  startling,  but  Mr. Filey  was  an  old  hand,  and  an  able.

“He said,  he  had  no  doubt  that,  if  he  had  the young gentleman  there,  he  would  extract  the teeth, and  he  should  hardly  know  anything  of  it — so delicate  and  sudden  would  be  the  manipulation — till it  was  over.

“That will  do/  said  the  lady. 'You will eternally oblige  his  family,  Mr.  Filey,  and  deeply shall I feel  indebted  to  you,  believe  me. I will take the  liberty  of  paying  you  in  advance,  if  you please. May I know  what  it  will  be? ’

“She drew  forth  her  purse,  and  paid  the  sum Mr. Filey thought  fit  to  demand.

“Arrangements were  then  made  that  the  young gentleman should  call  on  the  morrow,  at  two o’clock f.m.,  precisely. Every device  not  to alarm  his  sensitiveness  in  the  matter  of  his  teeth was promised  by  Mr.  Filey,  who  was  forewarned that the  young  gentleman  was  eccentric,  and dressed not  quite  in  the  fashion — in  fact,  commonly; so  that,  unless  you  knew  it,  you  would not presume  him  to  be  heir  to  a vast  estate.

“The scene  closes  on  Mr.  Filey  bowing  the  lady into her  carriage.

“Act the  Second,  displays  a jeweller’s  shop. West End. Messrs. Spitchcock and  Co.  A lady alights from  her  carriage,  and  enters. She desires to see  some  jewellery. A diadem set  with  diamonds fixes  her  eye. Her taste  is  pleased  by  a beautiful  bracelet,  and  a pair  of  ruby  ear-rings which suit  her  complexion,  she  thinks. She is assured  that  they  suit  her  admirably. She hands her card: — Lady  Spriggs; at  present  residing  at Mr. Filey’s.

“You know  Mr. Filey, the  dentist? ’

“Very well,  indeed/  she  is  told,  'and  Sir Sampson also,  by name/

“She then  desires  them  to  make  out  their  bill, and tell  her  the  amount  of  her  purchases. Four hundred odd  pounds  the  bill  amounted  to. And the shopman  wasn’t  astonished! But what  a country  this  is,  where  women  can  lavish  money on gimcracks — as  I tell  my  wife. However! the lady said  she  would  be  infinitely  obliged  to  them, if, within  half  an  hour — that  was,  by  two  o’clock, precisely, and  not  a moment  later — they  would pack up  the  things,  and  despatch  them  and  the bill, by  one  of  their  young  men,  to  Mr.  Filey’s, where Sir  Sampson,  her  husband,  would  write  out a cheque, and  liquidate  the  debt. Some woman’s rigmarole, I suppose. However! the request  was readily assented  to. She departed,  and  the  scene closes with  her  being  bowed  into  her  carriage  a second  time. May the  Lord  have  mercy  on simpletons!

“Well, gentlemen,  Act  the  Third. I contend that they  are  perfect  acts,  though  they  have  but  a scene  a-piece.

“A young man  with  parcel  calls  at  two  o’clock, precisely, that  afternoon,  at  Mr. Filey’s,  and  asks to see  Sir  Sampson  Spriggs.

“Her ladyship  is  within'  says  the  page.

“The young  man  says,  she  will  do. He is ushered  into  a room  where  he  sees  the  lady.

“Do you  smell  a rat,  gentlemen?”

“Well, the  lady  affably  took  the  parcel  from  the young man,  and  said:

“'I will take  it  to  show  my  husband  up-stairs. He will  be  with  you  in  five  minutes,  and  hand you the  cheque. You will  excuse  me? I must first satisfy him  of  the  necessity  I have  for  the  articles.

“Of course,  the  poor  fellow  thought  that  all was fair  and  straightforward. Ha! ha! He said, he would  be  happy  to  wait. Ha! ha! He took a chair. Ha! ha! ha!

Mr. Spence lost  himself  in  a fit  of  laughter. Just divining  the  catastrophe,  we  also  laughed  a laugh  of  eager  expectation.

“Don’t you  see  it?” cried  Mr. Spence. “But it’s really  too  bad  to  laugh. Well. He waited. The minute  hands  of  the  clock  went  round. He waited on. Before he  had  time  to  feel  uncomfortable in  his  mind,  the  door  opened,  and  a gentleman walked  in  who  bowed  to  him,  and  made his mind  quite  easy.

“I brought the  things,'  said  the  young  man; 'and am  waiting — ’

“To see  me,”  said  Mr.  Filey,  admiring  the stratagem of  the  lady  immensely. 'To see  me. Yes. I’m aware. A beautiful day  to-day,  sir? Rather  sultry. May I offer  you  a glass  of  wine?’

“Of course  the  young  man  didn’t  object. Ha! ha! You know  how  they  used  to  prepare  victims for the  sacrifice! Ha! ha!

“Well. They talked. Mr. Filey  said:

“Pray take  a chair,  may  I ask  you?’ and  the young fellow,  warmed  by  his  wine,  was  quite agreeable to  anything.

“Will you  open  your  mouth,  may  I ask?’ said Mr. Filey.

“'What for?’ says  the  young  fellow,  amazed.

“Oh, nothing!’ says  Mr. Filey. 'I merely wished to  inspect. The conformation  of  your tongue struck  me  as  peculiar. Not that  it  affects your speech,  sir. Not at  all. But pray  allow me.’

“The poor  young  fellow  opened  his  mouth. Ha, ha! He opened  his  mouth,  and  gaped.

“'Now draw  back  your  tongue,'  said  Mr. Filey.

“No doubt  the  young  fellow  thought  him  a very  eccentric  baronet,  but  he  complied.