Page:Once a Week, Series 1, Volume II Dec 1859 to June 1860.pdf/370

 21, 1860.] ‘Aha! and I know of little shildren mit six legs and three heads in spirits of wine. Dere are some at Leyden.’

‘Is it then a delusion from first to last? Why are our mortal frames impregnated with such a passion if it is destined but to lead us on from deception to deception, and terminate—as you give me cause, Jew, to apprehend—in eternal woe? For I would not have you ignorant of the fact—and I suppose that here I may breathe my secret in safety—that if I am destined to a more lasting union with my Caroline—I allude to Mrs. Robert Bircham—the prospect is not agreeable. Perhaps you can tell me, Wanderer, is suicide possible beyond the grave?’

‘Don’t know, and can’t shay. I’ve tried it often enough, even here. I’ve chawed strychnine like sailors chaw ’bacco: I’ve quenched ma thirst with a cool pint of prussic acid: I’ve let off revolvers at my head—tied myself up to lampposts—thrown myself from de Monument at de foot of London Bridge—and skiffed over Niagara: but it was no use, ma tear, I always found a fresh woife a-vaitin for me at te pottom—for my punishment was not to cease.’

‘Unhappy Being! But has not your long experience of the sex helped you to such knowledge as may enable you to live with them at least—in peace? The serpent-charmers of India handle the gilded but deadly snakes with impunity. Van Amburgh passed a tolerably peaceful existence amongst Royal Bengal Tigers, and Hunting Leopards. The untameable Cruiser in Mr. Rarey’s hands became gentle as a Quakeress. Surely eighteen centuries of continuous husbandry might have suggested some means of handling even such a sorrow as this?’

‘Yesh—ma tear—if I could practishe what I could teach. I have a shecret which could make all husbands comfortable.’

‘Oh! Jew, Jew—and will you let the knowledge die with you?’

‘Tie mit me! Tie mit me! Ikey cannot tie—but if I gave it out at Charing Cross nobody would ever use it, ma tear. I cannot use it maself. I have made 266 mishtakes besides Shalome—and I shall make another yet to-night. Dat is my cursh. Most hushbandsh, I can tell you, have settled the question for life within a month of the ring-day. But see the moon is high—the pall is pegun—we must pe off, or the fairest partners will be engaged!’

‘Partners, Jew!—Partners!’ I yelled, rather than spoke. ‘Before I “request the honour”—may my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth! May my hand be withered if I ever put on straw-coloured glove again! Let us rather go to the reptile-house in the Zoological Gardens, and have the pythons, and boas, and cobras out for a lark. Let us spend the night safely at least. Partners, Jew!—Partners!’

‘Yesh! Partners—de pretty little tears is vaiting for de Old Jew. I feel again ma purple youth bubbling in my veins. How they glide about the floor, like sunpeams which have sucked the violet-peds dry—glancing here, and glancing there. How their soft white dresses fan my heart as they whirl by in the frenzy of the tance. How the touch of the yellow-haired Miriam drives the blood like a cataract back upon my heart!’

‘By George! Ikey,’ I remarked, in amazement at the altered tone of my companion, ‘that’s rather strong. I think the best service I can do you, as a friend, is to get you locked up for the night at the nearest station-house, on a charge of being drunk and disorderly.’

‘No, no! To de pall—let us go to de pall. Miriam is there—Miriam, whose yellow hair floats around her like a sunrise. This time there is no mishtake. She will be my comfort and my choy. She will make the old man amends for all his sorrows. I have made two hundred and shixty-shiksh mishtakes (beshides Shalome), but I have found my tove at last. The thought of her is pleasant to me as the thought of water in the Desert, or of the vine upon his cottage to the storm-tossed seaman off the Cape. To de pall!’

“It was clear to me that this hapless Being was again under the influence of the. He was preparing for himself a fresh disappointment, and to add yet another to the two hundred and sixty-six rings which marked his previous failures in this direction. It was, however, idle to reason with him—perhaps the terrible thought of his lawful wife might yet avail.

‘Jew!’ I said, ‘think of ! You have told me yourself that it was written in your destiny that she should join you to-night.’

‘That for Shalome!’ replied the Wanderer, striking his staff violently upon the pavement. ‘I vill tear her hag’s limbs asunder! I vill put her between two feather-beds, and cast her into the Thames mud by the mouth of the Great Sewer! I vill tie her to the screw of an outward-bound steamer for New York! I vill—’

‘But, said you not that there was a way by which you could get rid of her without resorting to measures which even I—husband as I am—must admit to be extreme?’

“The Jew paused in his frenzied demonstrations, and as he gazed at me his venerable but passionate lineaments were steeped in the moonlight. He then gave me two slow, deliberate winks, one with his left, the other with his right eye (not a feat easy of accomplishment), and added in his old way:

‘Yesh, ma tear, I have de shecret which will free you from your eternal Caroline; but ve vos to teal after the pall, yes, to teal! Would you trick de poor old Jew out of his ?’

“Even in the very midst of his storm of passionate excitement, the poor old Hebrew’s cautious and bargaining spirit had not deserted him. I was again baffled and foiled. Before I had time to push the discussion any further, the old man had shouldered his pack, and moved away rapidly, with a yell rather than a cry of

‘! ! ?’

“I was still under the influence of the fatal spell, and was constrained to follow where he led. Through dull, monotonous piles of brick-work we passed along. We glided rapidly through streets where shell-fish appeared to be the sole sustenance of the inhabitants; indeed, as far as they were concerned, and from what I saw, I should be