Page:Memorials of Capt. Hedley Vicars, Ninety-seventh Regiment by Marsh, Catherine, 1818-1912.djvu/57

Rh able me thus to devote the remainder of my days to Thee! May my motto be, 'Not slothful in business, but fervent in spirit, serving the Lord.'

"November 19th.— Rose at seven o'clock. Meditated, whilst dressing, on 'Ye must be born again.' Oh, how happy I am when I can fix my thoughts on Jesus! Much engaged during the day in orderly room work. In the afternoon spoke, for a short time, to Hylyard. Whilst on my way to the mess, thought on that text, 'There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not alter the flesh but after the Spirit.' During dinner, rather too much given to levity. Gave a dollar to a district charity. I do not know that I gave it in a right spirit. I know I look too much to what the world may say of me if I do not give. Oh, that I may do all things with a single eye to the glory of God. Evening prayer distracted. Oh, that I could shut out the world; that I could banish my own evil heart when at prayer! How sweet would then be my communion with God! Read 2 Thess. ii.

"November 20th.— Stayed in bed this morning till twenty minutes past seven. I have broken one of my rules again. I must endeavour to conquer this slothfulness. Read again John viii. What comfort in reading the Saviour's love and compassion, 'Go, and sin no more.' Jesus, I would hear Thy voice saying to me, 'Go, and sin no more.' My sins have been exceeding great, but they do not exceed Thy love and willingness to pardon. Yet how prone I am to think otherwise. Lord increase my faith. Read some of Bickersteth's 'Life.' Oh, that I had more of his devotion and love to the Saviour! I sometimes really doubt whether I believe that Jesus bled and suffered for me; for although I have a kind of belief that He did, yet how small my gratitude and love; how cold and hard my heart! I have not shed a tear for months; in fact, I do not think I ever cried over my sins more than three or four times.