Page:Memorials of Capt. Hedley Vicars, Ninety-seventh Regiment by Marsh, Catherine, 1818-1912.djvu/39

Rh and thoughtful, and indisposed me for reading and prayer."

We find his growth in grace indicated in the following letter:

"My Darling Mary — I am going on much in the same manner as usual, with nothing to disturb the even tenor of my way. But no; I must correct myself here for I trust that I have really turned over a new leaf, and that my heart is gradually but surely undergoing a purifying process.

"I have been fighting hard against sin. I mean, not only what the world understands by that term, but against the power of it in my heart; the conflict has been severe — it is so still; but I trust, by the help of God, that I shall finally obtain the mastery. What I pray for most constantly is, that I may be enabled to see more clearly the wicked state of my heart by nature, and thus to feel my greater need of an Almighty Saviour. You cannot imagine what doubts and torments assail my mind at times, how torn and harassed I am by sinful thoughts and want of faith.

"You, Mary, can never experience my feelings, for you know not in what a sinful state my life has been passed. Well may I call myself 'the chief of sinners!' I sometimes even add to my sins, by doubting the efficacy of Christ's atonement, and the cleansing power of his precious blood to wash away my sins. Oh, that I could realize to myself more fully that his blood 'cleanseth us from all sin!'

"I was always foremost and daring enough in sin. Would that I could show the same spirit in the cause of religion; would that I felt as little fear of being called and thought to be a Christian, as I used to feel of being enlisted against Christianity!