Page:Margaret Fuller Ossoli (Higginson).djvu/320

302 She demanded to serve all. When ill-health, domestic care, unsatisfied longings after life and action combined to depress her, she found, as so many others have found, that even self-devotion was only a palliative. She writes in her diary: —

“I went to walk with Richard, then sang psalm tunes with Lloyd, then wrote to Aunt Mary. When I have not joyous energy in myself, I can do these little things for others; very many of my attentions are of this spurious sort; they are my consolations; the givers [of gratitude] who thank me are deceived. But what can I do? I cannot always upbear my life all alone. The heart sinks and then I must help it by persuasions that it is better for others I should be here and theirs. It is mere palliative, I know.

“In earliest days how many night-hours have found me thus. I was always so lonely. I used to cheer myself with my piano. I wish I had it now.

Again she writes, at the same period, she having then various classes to teach: —

“Did not get home till just before my class came. Was obliged to lie on the bed all the time they were