Page:Life of the honourable Col. James Gardiner (1).pdf/12

 he could; and to continue casting himself at the feet of Divine Mercy, every day, and often in a day, if peradventure there might be hope of pardon, of which all that he could say, was, that he did not absolutely despair. He had, at that time, such a sense of the degeneracy of his own heart, that he hardly durst form any determinate resolution against sin or pretence of God, but was continually crying to him, that he would deliver him from the bondage of corruption. He perceived in himself a most surprising alteration, with regard to the dispositions of his heart; so that, tho’ he felt little of the delights of religious duties, he extremely desired opportunies of being engaged in them: and those licentious pleasures which had been his heaven, were now absolutely his aversion, and he was grieved to see human nature, even in those to whom he was a stranger, prostituted to such low and contemptible pursuits. He therefore exerted his natural courage in a new kind of combat, and became an open advocate for religion, in all its principles, so far as he was aquainted with them, and all its precepts, relating to sobriety, righteousness and godliness. Yet he was very desirous and cautious that he might not run into an extreme; and made it one of his first petitions to God, the very day after these amazing impressions had been wrought in his mind, that he might not be suffered to behave with such an affected strictness and preciseness, as would lead others about him into mistaken notions of religion, and expose it to reproach or suspicion, as if it was an unlovly or uncomfortable thing. For this reason, he endeavoured to appear as cheerful in conversation as he conscientiously could: tho’ in spite of all his precautions, some traces of that deep inward sense which he had of his guilt, and misery would at times appear. He made no secret of it, however, that his views were entirely changed, tho' he concealed the particular circumstances attending that change. He told his most intimate companions freely, that he had reflected on the course of life in which he had so long joined them, and found it to be