Page:Levenson - Butterfly Man.djvu/308

306 you'll find out I'm a he-woman and any he-woman can scratch a she-man's eyes out!' The cat!"

"She said that?"

"I wasn't there. But she might have." He saw the brandy bottle. "You've gone hypo on us … is it good?" He pointed to the bottle.

"I'd rather have gin any time," Ken said.

"Here's gin," Kewpie said, as he opened his overcoat. In the inner pocket was the familiar square bottle.

"I didn't do it to get drunk," Ken said to himself. "I did it because it made me feel better. Solider, if you get what I mean. I wasn't alive. Like a shell. I did things without knowing what I was doing. She led me around like a little dog on a string.

"It was all right getting sober that time. And I sorta felt quiet then. I sorta felt clean inside as if I was a fish, cut open and its gizzards pulled out and washed clean.

"I didn't want to be washed clean. That fish, if you get what I mean, was dead. And so was I.

"Now, I couldn't ever kick to her because she didn't preach at me. She never said anything. She played straight and made me miss my laughs. And what good is living, if you can't laugh?

"The point is, if I'd 'a been born a woman, I'd 'a been a whore. I don't see why I'm not one anyhow. Then if I was, I'd say to myself, it's the money I want.

"But I don't want to have a dame lying around waiting to be laid. It doesn't suit me. They all take it too serious. And I never really did want to do it to them.

"I can't say as I like myself. But what can I do? Y'see,