Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/77

62 trouble ; his movements had something convulsive about them. He said he was ill, and I believe it ; he has a project of going to Spa. I do not know if he will, but I am glad he will not be with you. Adieu ; I have overwhelmed you with ques- tions to which you do not reply. I do not ask if you would like me to send you the news, because it would be out of my power to put my mind to such things ; but I know some- thing that the public does not yet know, namely : that M. d'Aranda is appointed ambassador from Spain in place of M. de Fuentfes [father of the Marquis de Mora] and that the latter is given the first place at his Court. AU this is of no interest to you, and it may astonish you that it is of great interest to me. Must T not be foolish to interest myself in things that happen in Madrid ? Adieu again. My style of folly is equal to your piety. Send me news of yourself often and at length ; share, if you can, the pleasure that it will give me. How many letters do you receive that you are more eager to open than mine ? — three ? ten ?

Thursday, July 1, 1773.

Oh ! if you knew how unjust I am ! how I have accused you ! how I have told myself that I ought to expect and desire nothing of your friendship ! And the cause of it all was merely that I received no letters from you. Tell me why we expect, why we exact so much from one on whom we do not rely. Ah ! truly, I believe you will forgive my inconsistencies ; but I, I must not be so indulgent ; they hurt me more than they do you. I no longer know what I owe to you ; I no longer know what I give you ; I only know that your absence is heavy upon me ; yet I cannot assure myself that your presence would do me good. Ah ! mon Dieu ! what a horrible situation is that in which pleasure, consolation, friendship, all, in short, becomes poison ! What must I do ?