Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/73

58 pity you because you do your own will ; I am to combat you to restore your native spirit. Eb ! mon Dieu ! a little wbile and I will answer for it tbat your nature will govern you despotically ; tbe babit of conquering will strengthen it, and there is little need of tbat ! You have said to yourself (I have long been sure of this) that it mattered nothing whether you were happy so long as you were great. Let things happen ; I will answer for it that you will be consist- ent; there is nothing vague or wavering about you except your feelings; your thoughts, your projects are fixed in an absolute manner, I am much deceived if you were not born to make the happiness of a vain soul and the despair of a feeling one. Own to me that what I am now saying does not displease you ; you will forgive me for loving you less when I prove to you that others will admire you more.

You ask me a singular question, truly. You say, " Are there better reasons than myself for his absence ? " Yes, there are better, — one indeed that is absolute ; one that if he succeeds in subduing it, the sacrifice of my whole life cannot repay the debt. All the circumstances, all events, all moral and physical reasons are against him ; but he is so ardent for me that he will not permit me to have a doubt of his return. Nevertheless, I shudder at what I may hear on Wednesday : he spits blood ; he has been bled twice ; at the moment when the courier left him he was better ; but the hemorrhage may return ; and how can I be calm with that thought before me ? He himself fears the result ; though he tries to reassure me, I detect his fear. Tell me if you know of whom I speak ; and further, did you know it when I wrote to ask you for " Le Conndtable " I Is it delicacy or caution which makes you seem to ignore a name I have not mentioned to you ?

But I am not speaking to you of your journey. If I could