Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/72

1773] speak to you at all. Do you believe that in the trouble in which I am one has the power to restrain one's self ? For example, ought I to be touched by your manner of saying to me, as to the chief interest of my life, " Answer me on all this what you can, and what you like " ? Oh ! yes, what I like ! you leave me great liberty, but you see how I employ it, — not in criticising you, only in proving to you what you know even better than I : that we have the tone and expression of what we feel, and if I am not satisfied, it is not your fault — I know that well.

But I claim nothing, unless it be that species of consola- tion which we so seldom allow ourselves : that of speaking out our whole thought. People are always restrained by a fear of the morrow ; I feel myself as free as though there were no morrow for me ; and if, by chance, I should live on, I foresee that I could forgive myself for having told you the truth at the risk of displeasing you. Is it not true that our friendship must be great, strong, and complete, our intimacy tender, solid, close, or else, nothing at all ? Therefore, I can never repent having shown you the depths of my soul. If that is not what you want, if there be any contempt for it, well ! let us be sincere ; let us not be shamed or embarrassed ; let us return whence we started, and believe that we have dreamed. We can add this clause to the chapter of experi- ence, and behave in future like those well-bred persons who know it is not polite to tell their dreams. We will keep silence about them; silence is pleasant when it comforts self-love !

You will not tell me what rank you give me; are you restrained by a fear of giving me too much or too little ? that may be just, but it is not noble. Youth is so magnificent, it loves to give lavishly ; yet here you are as miserly as if you were old or rich. You ask the impossible ; you want me to