Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/299

274 actions. Therefore do not employ your energy on me, turn it to other objects ; for I repeat, you will offend me if ever you concern yourself with my interests again. Reflect that if I had so chosen I should not have remained poor; therefore poverty cannot be the greatest evil to me. Mon ami, believe me ; I always speak the truth, and I know very well what I want.

You have not told me about the theatres, nor a word of what you are doing : you feel no need of conversing ; your only need is to rush everywhere and see everything. I wish God could give you his gift of omnipresence. As for me, I should be in despair if I had that talent; I am far from wishing to be everywhere, for I long to be nowhere. Ah ! mon Dieu! I wish I had Mme. de Muy's illusion; I think that could give me happiness ; she is sure that she will see M. de Muy again ; what a support to a desolate heart ! Four years ago, just at this season, I was receiving two letters a day from Fontainebleau. His absence was for ten days ; I had twenty-two letters ; in the midst of the Court dissipations, he, being the object in vogue, the centre of fascination to the handsomest women, he had but one purpose, one pleasure : he desired to live in my thoughts ; he wished to fill my life ; and I remember that during those ten days I went out but once : I expected a letter, and I wrote one ! — Ah ! those memories kill me ! and yet I would fain live that life again, and under conditions more cruel still. Mon ami, if you see the depths of my soul, you must pity me ! But do not tell me so ; it is courage that I need — oh, yes ! I need it ; I suffer cruelly.

Tell me if you have news regularly fr.om Mme. de. . . Have you done anything for that affair that interests her ? You tell me nothing; but you are so hurried! Do you intend to postpone your work on M. Dumesnil-Durand's