Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/163

144 which I was many days in total apathy ; I lived, but it seemed to me I was beside my own self. I remembered having had a soul that loved you; I saw it afar, but it inspired me no longer. Alas! if you are as indifferent as that "unfortunate being who loves nothing," you will not understand me; if this language does not go to your soul that soul is deadly cold; it will then be for me to pity you for the weariness I have caused you.

Good-bye; I will not close my letter until after the postman comes. Mon ami, do not take too much quinine; it injures the chest, and when one is cured too quickly of a fever, obstructions nearly always appear elsewhere ; remember that you are not free to neglect your health ; my peace, my life depend upon it. Mon ami, tell me if I love you; you ought to know — I, I know myself no longer; for example, at this moment I feel that I passionately long for news of you, but I feel also, in a most urgent manner that I need to die. I suffer from head to foot. My soul is uplifted and my body faints; from this lack of harmony misery results, and well-nigh madness — But I must stop. Adieu; would that I could go to meet the postman.

4 o'clock. The postman has arrived. M. d’Alembert has no letter, although the courier from Montauban comes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Mon ami, I am very unhappy; either you are very ill, or you are very cruel to leave me in such anxiety. You know if my health, my condition, can bear this increase of trouble and pain. Ah! mon Dieu! what shall I do, what will become of me till Wednesday! I will send to the Chevalier d'Aguesseau. Friday, in the evening, September 30, 1774. Mon ami, you kept me from dying, yet you kill me by leaving me in a state of anxiety which convulses my soul.