Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/160

1774] We may say of the habit of living with persons of intellect and high merit what M. de La Eochefoucauld said of the Court : " It does not make us happy, but it prevents us from finding happiness elsewhere ; " that is precisely what I feel now every time I find myself in society.

My friend, guess if you can — but I must tell you it is no happiness, no pleasure, not even a consolation to be loved, even deeply loved by any one who has very little mind. Ah ! how I hate myself for not being able to love that which is excellent ! how difficult to please I have grown ! But is it my fault ? see what an education I have received. Mme. du Deffand (because for intellect she must be cited) President H^nault, the Abb^ Bon, the Archbishop of Toulouse, the Arch- bishop of Aix, M. Turgot, M. d'Alembert, the Abbd de Bois- mont, M. de Mora, — those were the persons who taught me to think and speak, and who deigned to consider me as some- thing : after that, how could I turn my thoughts to being loved by ... ? But, mon ami, do you think people can love when they have little or no mind ? I know very well that you think me crazy or imbecile ; but what does that matter ? I had it on my heart to say to you what I have just said. Good-night : I keep a little place in my letter to tell you to-morrow that I have no news from you. Mon ami, forgive me, but that seems impossible. Saturday, after post time. You are ill, you have fever ! Ah ! mon ami, it is not my interest that this news awakens ; it is my terror — I think that I bring evil to all I love. Oh ! mon Dieu ! if I must fear again, if I must again feel the terrors and the despair that consumed two years of my life, why did you then prevent me from dying ? You did not love me, but you chained me! If on Monday I do not hear from you. ..