Page:Letters of Mlle. de Lespinasse.djvu/148

1774] of his choice and of the gift he made me, I rejoiced in it, with amazement and transport."When I spoke to him of the vast distance which natm:e had placed between us, I grieved his heart; and he soon persuaded me that all was equal between us because I loved him. No, never could beauty, charm, youth, virtue, merit be flattered and exalted to a higher degree than M. de Mora would fain have made my vanity enjoy; but he saw my soul; the passion that filled it cast me far indeed from the enjoyments of vanity. I tell you all this, mon ami, not from a weakness that would be too silly and too unworthy of the regrets which rend my heart, but to justify myself to you — yes, justify myself.

I have loved you with transport ; but this cannot excuse in your eyes the wish I dared to form of seeing you share my feeling ; that pretension must have seemed to you madness! I, to fix a man of your age, who joins to all agreeable qualities the talents and the wit which must make him an object of preference to all the women who have the most right to please, fascinate, and attach! Mon ami, I am filled with confusion in thinking to what a point you must have thought my vanity blind and my reason astray. Yes, I blame myself sorrowfully: the liking you inspired in me, the remorse which tortured me, the passion felt for me by M. de Mora, all that combined has led me into an error I abhor, — for I must confess to you that my thoughts went farther still ; I was convinced that you might love me, and that conviction, so foolish, so self-conceited, dragged me into the abyss.

No doubt it is late, too late, to tell myself of my mistake. I detest it, and in despising myself I have tried to hate you ; in fact, you have excited in me that horrible emotion; I have even written to you to that effect; it was the last