Page:Lessons In Search of Greatness.djvu/24

22 these spasms, when I meditate upon this be-slandered topic; I could kill all those who libel us poor, affectionate Mother-in-laws! Yes, there is my stuck-up Son-in-law, Simon Pure, Esq., who thinks he was born to ride over his poor, abused Mother-in-law! [Cries.] Hah! hah! a-a-h! I wish he had never been born; then, my noble daughter, Mrs. Simon Pure, Esq., would not be in one continual state of nettles, on account of Simon's search of greatness, or stepping down the ladder, as the dunce chooses to call his pranks! What do you think? He has just graduated at the Old School of Medicine, and he wants me to become his patient! He says: I have the Scolditis, which is a congestion under the tongue, and a rupture in the bread basket, in complication with nervous spasms, that cause me to jerk my big toe around loose! [All the time she has been jerking her toe around; and suddenly, she looks at said toe, lifts up her dress, and concludes.] As I live, I believe the fool is right! [Screams and falls on lounge.] Oh! Ah! a-a.

Simon Pure, Esq.—[Runs up to her, and jams his pocket handkerchief into her mouth.] There, keep quiet, until I can prescribe Allopathically. [''Aside. She is still.] Having graduated in the Standard Medical College—whose motto: Contraria Contrariis Curentur I have successfully established, as I took my first lesson; [Laughs and doubles up.''] Ha! ha! ha! when I think how I chucked those pieces of lungs, liver, etceteras, etceteras into those beastly students' wind pipes, it makes me almost laugh. Ha! ha! ha! My Mars! I'd have to laugh, if it would murder my charming Mother-in-law. Ha! ha! ha! Gads! I produced a speedy opposite effect! Of course, being intuitively and congenitally great, and always doing things in the very latest style, I must do my Mother-in-law, [Points to her.] in the same standard manner! [Goes to her.] She is easy just now, but when that temporary plug, which I put in her chops comes out, you'll see her go on ever so high! but my greatness generally brings her down contrariwise! [Gets paper and pencil.] I must write my prescriptions, and send Jim for the medicine! I'll have some fun at her expense! Ha! ha! ha! ha! [Doubles up.] Whenever I think how those Medical Students jumped and hopped about, it jerks my risibles so vehemently that I must laugh! Ha! ha! ha! [Grows serious instantly.] Great heavens! but I feel queer! [Rubs his back, head and throat.] some spirits seem to be hovering around my back, head and gullet! Can the spirits of Billy Stover, Mr. Thickhead and Miss Aptitude be about? Is another new trouble to overtake me? No Sir, never, because I am now standing on the very top of the ladder—Contraria Contrariis Curentur. Therefore, prescription number one, Syrup of Squills and Ipecac, each, two pounds. No. 2. Jalop, Senna and Aqua Fortis, each 17 ounces. No. 3. Gamboge, Epsom Salts, Lobelia and Cod Liver Oil, each, one gallon. No. 4. Tincture of Capsicum, Potassium, Gooses Fat and Hobensack's Vermifuge, each two quarts. Dose—a teacupful of each, taken every ten minutes alternately day and night. No. 5. Calomel and Castor Oil, each, one