Page:Joe Miller's new jest book.pdf/9

 JOE MILLER.

A man cannot abuse his wife without proving himself a fool or a bully; a man cannot strike his wife without proving himself a fool or a ruffian. If she deserves abuse and beating, be must be a fool to have such a wife; and if she do not, he must be a bully and a ruffian to abuse and beat her.

When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it-If you do you'll be hanged :-to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply - I'll be hanged if I do.

A cantab one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, so, Jack, you are picking them out are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes 'em as they come!

The Irish nation have long being supposed to enjoy the exclusive privilege of making bulls. A French gentleman, who lately died at Province, whose name was M. Cleante, affords an instance to the contrary, as will appear by the following anecdotes of him-,

He bid his valet-de-chambre, very early one morning look out of the window, and tell him if it was day-light. Sir, said the fellow, it is so dark I can see nothing as yet. Beast, that you are, replied the master, why don't you take a candle, to see if the sun rises or no?

He was ill of a fever : his physician forbade him the use of wine, and ordered him to drink nothing but barley-water. That I would, said the patient, with all my heart, provided it had the relish of wine ; for, I assure you, I had as soon eat beef as partridge if it had the same taste.

He paid a visit to a painter, who was busy in drawing a landscape, where a lover and his mistress were in conversation. Let me beg of you, said M. Cleante, to draw me in a corner, where I can hear every word these lovers are saying, without any body seeing me!

A gentleman told him that he had dined with a poet, who had regaled him with an excellent epigram for the dessert, Cleante immediately called for his cook, and asked him why he had never brought a dish of epigrams to his table.

He desired a painter, who was taking his portrait, to draw him with a book in his hand, which he should read out loud.

Your sword, sir, is very troublesome, said a man very surlily to a young officer in a crowd. My enemies are of the same opinion, replied the young man.