Page:Joe Miller's new jest book.pdf/8

 JOE MILLER.

A Scotch bag-piper travelling in Poland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner: no sooner had lie said grace, but three wolves came about him ; to one he threw bread, to another meat, till his provender was gone; at length he took up his bag-pipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The de'el saw me," said Sawney, “an' I had kenn'd you lo'ed music sa weel, you should ha'e had it afore dinner.”

The proverb says, " that idleness covers a man with rags." An Irish schoolmaster thought the sentence might be improved; in consequence of which, he wrote for his pupil, "Idleness covers a man with nakedness."

A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn together. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller in passing the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel; who, drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion, that he exclaimed, “ Arrah honey, have a care of your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." The Scotchman being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney, who not a little surprised at finding the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, “ Deil tak'the daft chiel of an ostler, he's ta'en my boots off last night, and left on the spur."

During the American war, whilst Colonel Burgoyne commanded in Cork, he saw a corpulent soldier among the spectators on the parade, whom he addressed as follows:-"Who are you, sir? you must he drilled twice a day to bring down your corporation. Who are you, sir!”_" Please your honour," replied Pat, “I am, sir, the skeleton of the 5th regiment of foot, who has just marched over from America." The factwas so, for such was the carnage of the disastrous war, that only this fat soldier and Captain Webb returned to Europe, out of full regiment that landed in America.

An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, scratched his head, and said, “Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you, what would your honour have me to tell him?”

A Frenchman, having a violent pain in his breast and stomach, went to a physician for relief. The doctor, inquiring where his trouble lay, the Frenchman, with a dolorous accent, laying his hand on his breast, said, "Vy, sare, I have one very had pain in my portmanteau," (meaning his chest).